User talk:Oblitz1

Clevas1 Clevas 1 Peer Review

•	Great intro, a little work on transitioning (bullet 3)

•	Trans* should be changed to transgender- more formal in my opinion

•	Maybe talk about kyle in the first paragraph to allow introduction for the audience (you kind of jump into an example after you introduce the topic you are discussing)

•	“These athletes are scared to come out as trans* because of the strict rules and regulations” [Should add- according to…. And list rules]

•	Great tone… No slang

•	Experience* should be experienced in last sentence (past tense)

•	Very neutral, Kyle is a good example for audience to engage in

•	Expand the introduction paragraph (Balance) – if Kyle is the main focus, maybe the page should focus on Kyle Allums

o	Title – Kyle Allums (you can give info on his birth name, who he was before basketball, his transition, and then…. o	Subtitle – Kyle alums experience in college basketball (give info from your second paragraph adding his hardships and overall studies about life as a transgender athlete in college.

Jdeeme2 (talk) 14:48, 27 October 2015 (UTC)