Wikipedia:Peer review/Beyoncé/archive2

Beyoncé Knowles
This peer review discussion has been closed. After a considerable amount of copy-editing, re-organisation and ref-tightening, I think this article may be good enough to be proposed as a FAC and I'd appreciate any feedback!
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, —JennKR | ☎ 23:14, 28 August 2013 (UTC)


 * Comments from Tomica


 * Lead
 * Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter,[3] also known simply as Beyoncé ---> Isn't simply known as more simple to use?
 * ✅ —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)
 * Born and raised in Houston, Texas and performing in singing and dancing competitions ---> How does her birth in Houston is related to singing and dancing? I think this sentence need re-organization.
 * ✅ (Is that better?) —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)
 * she began her music career aged sixteen as lead singer of R&B girl-group Destiny's Child ---> The sentence misses the definite article.
 * ✅ —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)
 * which established the singer as a viable solo artist worldwide, selling 11 million copies, earned five Grammy Awards and featured the Billboard number one singles "Crazy in Love" and "Baby Boy". ---> I propose: which established the singer as a viable solo artist worldwide; it sold 11 million copies, earned five Grammy Awards and featured the Billboard number one singles "Crazy in Love" and "Baby Boy".
 * ✅ —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)
 * which saw the birth of her alter-ego Sasha Fierce and earned her a record-setting ---> two times her repetition.
 * ✅ —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)
 * she has won 17 Grammy Awards, and has sold over ---> she has won 17 Grammy Awards and sold over.
 * ✅ —JennKR | ☎ 23:56, 28 August 2013 (UTC)

— Tomíca (T2ME) 23:31, 28 August 2013 (UTC)


 * Early life
 * The sections seems good according to me! Moving forward. — Tomíca (T2ME) 12:28, 29 August 2013 (UTC)


 * 1997–2001: Destiny's Child
 * based on a passage in the Book of Isaiah ---> Can you wiki link passage? It might be confusing for some people...
 * ✅ —JennKR | ☎ 14:33, 31 August 2013 (UTC)
 * In 1997, with Columbia Records, Destiny's Child released their major label debut song "Killing Time" on the soundtrack to the 1997 film, Men in Black. > hmm I think this need re-wording, it's kinda complex.
 * ✅ —JennKR | ☎ 14:40, 31 August 2013 (UTC)
 * The Writing's on the Wall sold more than eight million copies. ---> worldwide right?
 * ✅ —JennKR | ☎ 14:33, 31 August 2013 (UTC)
 * questioning herself and who her friends were. ---> This read like a magazine, I don't think the sentence is needed.
 * ✅ —JennKR | ☎ 14:40, 31 August 2013 (UTC)
 * Franklin was dismissed, leaving just Knowles, Rowland, and Williams. ---> Hmm, maybe a sentence how Rowland came in the bend?
 * This is established earlier ("Aged eight, Knowles and childhood friend Kelly Rowland met LaTavia Roberson while in an audition for an all-girl entertainment group...") —JennKR | ☎ 14:40, 31 August 2013 (UTC)