Wikipedia:Peer review/Kareena Kapoor/archive2

Kareena Kapoor
This peer review discussion has been closed. Kareena Kapoor is an Indian actress who appears in Bollywood films. In July 2008, the article reached a GA status, and subsequently went on to have an unsuccessful FAC. Since then, I have been working on the article in my sandbox for the past several months. Now, I think it meets the FA criteria. However, before taking it to FAC again, I believe the article would benefit with a broader perspective and more comments from editors. I would like to know what your opinion of the article is and if there are any suggestions on improving it further. Thanks, --  Bollywood Dreamz  talk 16:32, 13 July 2010 (UTC)
 * Previous peer review


 * One little note - I can't see the great necessity for all the publishing details in references. For instance - The Times of India. (The Times Group). I think The Times of India is enough here. Shahid  •  Talk 2 me  09:17, 18 July 2010 (UTC)
 * I have taken care of this. Well-known and obvious publishers like The Times Group, The Hindu Group for sources like The Times of India/Indiatimes and The Hindu have been removed. On the other hand, I have left the publishers for some sources like Essel Group for Zee News, etc. --  Bollywood Dreamz  talk 01:47, 23 July 2010 (UTC)

Comments from :
 * File:Kapoor (Chameli).jpg and File:Kapoor JabWeMet.jpg - I could perhaps be convinced of the value of having a single non-free image to convey the way in which Kapoor is presented/portrayed in her work, but the current rationales do not sufficiently articulate such a need (i.e. are weak) and I question the need for two non-free images (NFCC#3A requires minimal use). To take File:Kapoor JabWeMet.jpg as an example:  how does this screen demonstrate that this was a milestone?  A reader won't know that without reading; the image does nothing to convey that knowledge (NFCC#1).  How does this screen show a zest for life?  If it did, why wouldn't prose also be sufficient to convey such information?  How does this screen show that she won an award or the reason therefore?  The final rationale point is boilerplate nonsense.  What is the significant contribution to understanding of Kapoor?  Providing illustration is not, in and of itself, contribution to understanding.
 * File:Globus kareenakapoorsittingontheballsummer08 pic.jpg - Has no rationale for this article (NFCC#10C), has no source (WP:IUP/NFCC#6/NFCC#1OA), does not attribute an author/copyright holder (NFCC#10A) and appears to irreparable fail NFCC#8. What is the significant contribution to our understanding?  How does an ad convey any substantive understanding of the clothing?  Prose tells us about the line.  A free image could depict the line (NFCC#1).  Эlcobbola  talk 16:46, 19 July 2010 (UTC)
 * This will take some time. I'll take a look at it and get back to you if I have any questions. --  Bollywood Dreamz  talk 01:50, 23 July 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: I think this is generally of FA quality. Looking at the past FACs and agreeing with User:Elcobbola's comments above, I would suggest deleting File:Globus kareenakapoorsittingontheballsummer08 pic.jpg and either File:Kapoor JabWeMet.jpg or File:Kapoor (Chameli).jpg. You might be able to make a convincing case for one fair-use image but not three. In addition, here are a few suggestions for slight improvement to the generally well-done prose:

Infobox
 * "(2007–present)" - I generally recommend changing date ranges like this to an open-ended form, "2007– ", rather than saying "present" because "present" will always appear to be correct and updated even if it isn't. This is a subtle difference but worthwhile, I think. When her career ends, someone is likely to notice the missing end date and add it.

Lead
 * "In 2007, Kapoor received her first Filmfare Award for Best Actress for her performance in the Imtiaz Ali directed romantic comedy film, Jab We Met." - To avoid the extended modifier, "the Imtiaz Ali directed romantic comedy" perhaps "In 2007, Kapoor received her first Filmfare Award for Best Actress for her performance in Jab We Met, a romantic comedy directed by Imtiaz Ali." I don't think you need the word "film" in the modifier because "Filmfare" makes it clear that this was a film.


 * "Her off-screen life is the subject of wide media coverage in India, including her relationship with actor Saif Ali Khan." - To get the modifier snug against the thing modified, perhaps: "Her off-screen life, including her relationship with actor Saif Ali Khan, is the subject of wide media coverage in India."
 * Done --  Bollywood Dreamz  talk 01:58, 23 July 2010 (UTC)

Turning point
 * "In preparation for the role, she visited several of Mumbai's red-light district areas at night, to study the mannerisms of a sex worker and the way they presented themselves." - "A worker" is singular, but "they" is plural. Perhaps the sentence could be tightened a bit as well. Suggestion: "To prepare for the role, she visited several of Mumbai's red-light districts at night to study the dress and mannerisms of sex workers."


 * "The film unfolds the journey of six individuals in three chapters, and are linked by a car accident that brings them together." - Suggestion: "The film, consisting of three chapters, tells the story of six individuals linked by a car accident."


 * "In 2005, she starred as the protagonist in the Dharmesh Darshan directed drama Bewafaa." - To avoid the long compound modifier, I'd probably use "In 2005, she starred as the protagonist in Bewafaa, a drama directed by Dharmesh Darshan."


 * "According to Filmfare" - Since the quote is at least four lines long on my computer screen, I'd consider using a blockquote per WP:MOSQUOTE.


 * "Following Omkara, she stopped acting for a short period of time... ". - Tighten by deleting "period of"?
 * Done --  Bollywood Dreamz  talk 02:15, 23 July 2010 (UTC)

Humanitarian work
 * "donated her half-share of five million rupees from her winnings on Kaun Banega Crorepati" - Since the other rupee figures have been converted to dollars, perhaps this one should be converted also.
 * Done --  Bollywood Dreamz  talk 02:18, 23 July 2010 (UTC)

Clothing line
 * "Nadkarni further noted, "We are looking at a pan India presence across 70 cities over the next five years. Kareena's wide appeal would go a long way in establishing Globus as a versatile, vibrant and expressive fashion brand". On being appointed by Globus, Kapoor commented, "I am delighted to be the face of Globus. I love the trendy hip fashion from Globus, which is as good as anywhere in the world. I look forward to spreading this new language of fashion across the nation". - I'd be inclined to delete these quotes because they read like ads for Globus. No essential information would be lost if you simply went from "chain decided to appoint a different brand ambassador for their new business ventures" to "After Kapoor began to represent them... ". Also, should you say "its new business ventures" rather than "their new business ventures"? It depends on whether "chain" is considered singular or plural; I would say that it's singular.


 * "when she was roped in as the brand ambassador" - "Roped in" is slang. Would "when she was hired as the brand ambassador" be better?


 * "Kapoor expressed her desire of tying up with an international design house" - "Tying up" is also slang. Perhaps "working"?
 * Done. I've completely removed Nadkarni's quote as I agree with the points you have made. However, it wouldn't hurt to have Kapoor's quote on the article. I've shortened the quote to avoid making it sound like "ads for Globus", and left it as "I am delighted to be the face of Globus [...] I look forward to spreading this new language of fashion across the nation." --  Bollywood Dreamz  talk 02:30, 23 July 2010 (UTC)

In the media
 * "While a section of the press have described her as friendly and extremely close to her family... ". - This could merely be a difference between British English and American English, but "a section" looks singular to me and therefore would take the verb "has" rather than "have".


 * "In 2006, she walked the ramp" - Should "walked the ramp" be briefly explained? Readers might not know what ramp this means. Is it to be taken literally, or is it a metaphor?
 * Done. I made a small change in the third paragraph's last two sentences. This is the new version: "In 2006, she was chosen to model and walk the runway for Manish Malhotra's fashion display at the Fashion Week 2006, along with actors Shahid Kapoor and Urmila Matondkar. Three years later, Kapoor once again walked the runway for Malhotra's bridal collection titled Destination Wedding during the 2009 India Couture Week." - Instead of using the word "ramp", I used the word "runway". --  Bollywood Dreamz  talk 02:53, 23 July 2010 (UTC)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. I don't generally check corrections after my reviews because it's too time-consuming. Please ping me on my talk page if my comments are unclear or if questions arise.
 * Thank you Finetooth for taking some time to comment on the article. I appreciate it. :) --  Bollywood Dreamz  talk 02:56, 23 July 2010 (UTC)