Wikipedia:Peer review/Maggie Gyllenhaal/archive1

===Maggie Gyllenhaal===


 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for October 2008.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for October 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… I would like to have suggestions be made for the article to try and aim the article to Feature article status. Any comments would be appreciated.

Thanks, --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 00:23, 13 October 2008 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Maggie Gyllenhaal/archive1.

Comments from Brianboulton

I am working through the article. Here are some comments on the lead and first three sections - more will follow.


 * Lead
 * Is it possible, by slight rewording, to avoid "...Gyllenhaal. Gyllenhaal...", which is awkward to read?
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "breakthrough" should not be hyphenated
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "achieved some notoriety for being quoted as saying US government was 'responsible in some way' for the 9/11 attacks" In the Controversy section she is quoted as saying that "America", not "US government", was responsible in some way. There should be consistency here - the US government and America are not the same thing. Also, I think "achieved some notoriety for being quoted as saying..." is very laboured prose; she achieved notoriety for what she said, not for what she was "quoted as saying".
 * I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Well, not quite, but I've fixed it. Brianboulton (talk) 22:00, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Oh, that's my bad there and thank you for fixing it. :) --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:03, 23 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Early life
 * It would be good to know why Leonard Gyllenhaal was notable, rather than having to use the link
 * Added a little info. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 20:25, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * The sentence beginning "Gyllenhaal supported herself..." seems misplaced chronologically. When exactly was she doing this work?
 * Added a little info. in the beginning of the sentence, hope it helps. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Yes, that works.Brianboulton (talk) 22:02, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * For non-US readers (there are a few), what does "bussed tables" mean? It would be better to use a more conventional term - I assume it means she worked as a waitress.
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Repetition: In this short section the name Gyllenhaal appears nine times. See if greater use of personal pronouns can reduce this.


 * Early work
 * You have a colon and a semicolon in the first sentence; try to avoid this. The semicolon could become an mdash.
 * Hope I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Yes - except there are no spaces around mdashes. I've fixed this. Brianboulton (talk) 22:06, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "She had a number..." In this case, it might be better to use the name: "Gyllenhaal had a number..."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Since you have a full filmography, there is no need to list in the text all 5 films in which Gyllenhall had supporting roles. The last sentence of para 1 could be combined with the first of para 2, to produce something like: "After graduating from college she had a series of supporting roles, which included..." - and then name a couple, not all five. I'd also avoid loose phrases like "films such as".
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)


 * 2002-2005
 * "This marked the first time Gyllenhaal performed full frontal nudity in film" - you need to clarify that "this" in the sentence refers to the film Secretary, not to some subsequent awards ceremony (!)
 * Totally get what you mean and has been fixed. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "...a thoroughly straight hotel manager who, forced to help her brother by seducing one of his patsies". This is not a sentence as it stands - should the comma read "is"? It would also help if you described the brother in some way, e.g. as "her crooked brother", which would help explain why he had "patsies".
 * Not sure, but I added the suggestion of "crooked brother". --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * You'd half-fixed it, I've done the rest. Brianboulton (talk) 22:12, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Oh, thank you. :) --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:32, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * The verb "to further" is transitive, and needs a specific object. For example you can further a cause, or an ambition, or a theatrical career. You cannot further "in theater acting". Rewording needed.
 * How 'bout 'continued'? --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * That's OK Brianboulton (talk) 22:16, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Awesome. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:32, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * In the last sentence you should indicate that you are again talking about film rather than theater roles.
 * Stupid question for my part; where should I note this? --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:27, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * OK, I've done this (check it out). Brianboulton (talk) 22:21, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Oh, I was thinking of adding it there, but I wasn't sure. That's why I asked my stupid question. :) Thank you answering my question. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:32, 23 October 2008 (UTC)

Note: I am happy to continue this review, but would welcome some response to the above. Brianboulton (talk) 10:08, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
 * OK, more will be posted soon. Brianboulton (talk) 22:21, 23 October 2008 (UTC)

Here we go.
 * 2006-present
 * Section title needs ndash, not hyphen
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:04, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "reminiscinent to..." doesn't work. "based on..." would do
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:04, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * It's "dire straits", not "straights"
 * The quote says "dire straights"; see here.
 * The quote has spelt it wrong. It's definitely "straits". As the error is in a quote, you should add (sic) after the mis-spelling to indicate that you are not responsible for it. That is the normal method of dealing with wrong spellings in quotes. Brianboulton (talk) 18:39, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Alright, added the sic template next to the word. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 20:22, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * It's "naïve" (with umlaut), not "naive" - barely discenible, but will earn you good brownie points at FAC!
 * "...and a win at the..." etc. sounds a bit gauche. I'd reword this to: "...and won the Best Actress catagory award at the Stockholm International Film Festival in 2006"
 * Check. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:04, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * The short "Suky" paragraph needs dating, and would probably be better at the end of the section.
 * I added date info. not sure if it works or not. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:44, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * It works fine. You say she "has been replaced" which suggests this is an ongoing project. Otherwise it should be "she was replaced". I still think this would be better at the section's end. Brianboulton (talk) 18:44, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * The thing is that she was announced in the film in February 2008 and The Dark Knight came out in July 2008. Wouldn't that be a little off between the months? --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 20:22, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "Stanwyck-style" refers to Barbara Stanwyck, but hardly anybody under about 85 will know about her, so I've put in a link. (Note: I am under 85)
 * Haha, I didn't know about that. But, thanks for adding it. :) --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:04, 24 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Personal life
 * Try combining some of the short sentences in the first para, to get a better flow
 * Added a bit of info. just like in Jake Gyllenhaal's article. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:44, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * I wasn't really suggesting more information, only that the be made sentencesto flow better. As it is, it's still very jerky, a hotch-potch of facts that don't really gell together. Rather than have you guess what I mean, this is my suggested redraft of the paragraph:
 * "Gyllenhaal is the daughter of film director Stephen Gyllenhaal and screenwriter Naomt Foner. She has a brother, the actor Jake Gyllenhaal with whom, in December 2006, she escaped a fire that destroyed Manka's a famed lodge and restaurant in Inverness, California, where they were vacationing. Gyllenhaal has been in a relationship with actor Peter Sarsgaard, a close friend of Jake's, since 2002; they have a daughter Ramona, born October 4, 2006, and live in Brooklyn, New York." Brianboulton (talk) 20:19, 24 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Comma needed after "Iraq war"
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:44, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "with the purpose to advance..." Reword this to "with the purposes of advancing progressive causes and voicing..." etc
 * Check. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:44, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * "She also supported John Kerry in the 2004 Presidential Election"; Not sure about the PE capitals - probably not necessary. Also, to avoid repetition, this short sentence should be tagged on to the previous one - "...in which she supported John Kerry"
 * I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:44, 24 October 2008 (UTC)
 * And I finished it off. Brianboulton (talk) 20:19, 24 October 2008 (UTC)


 * Controversy: No specific comments.

General: The article is not too far off FAC standard. It will have a good chance, in my view, if you do the following:-
 * Complete the amendments suggested above
 * Expand the lead so that it summarises the whole article. You could say more about her acting career, including stage/TV roles. Aim for about 350 words (it's about half that at present)
 * Try to get someone to copyedit throughout. I have weeded out some awkward phrases, but a skilled copyeditor can help a lot.
 * Get one of the image experts to check there are no hidden snags with the images. I always recommend getting image issues dealt with before FAC if possible. What I tend to do for my own articles is look at the FAC page to see who is commenting on images there, then leave a polite request on their talk page to take a look at my article. That usually works.

Please leave a note on my talkpage when you decide to take this to FAC. Good luck with it, Brianboulton (talk) 10:46, 24 October 2008 (UTC)

Comments from Giants2008

Responding to a talk-page request, I find an article in pretty good shape. I have no experience with movie star bios, meaning that my ability to find glitches is somewhat limited. Still, I found some things for you to check out. Along with Brianboulton's suggestions above, these should be useful to you. I strongly recommend following his advice, as it will improve this article's chances at FAC substantially.  Giants2008  ( 17-14 ) 03:33, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * I'm not 100% on what sites are considered reliable for film stars. Most are newspaper or magazine articles, which should be just fine. Is Rootsweb.com reliable? That one jumped out at me.
 * I wasn't sure about the source, so I replaced it with a reliable one. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 19:07, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Most of this is good, but this part of 2002-2005 needs work: "Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly wrote of Gyllenhaal's performance "wonderfully, naturally slouchy-sexy as her character is artificial."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 19:00, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Get rid of this contraction: "but said she's more natural singing on-screen than acting." That's near the above comment's location.
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 19:00, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Don't need the notes saying that Internet references are from the Web. They are in several citations, mostly toward the end.
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 19:00, 28 October 2008 (UTC)

Comments from in response to a talk page request

I'll just cover prose since I think most MoS- and citation-related issues have been addressed already.


 * "Gyllenhaal was born in New York City, New York, the daughter of film director Stephen Gyllenhaal and film producer and screenwriter Naomi Achs." -> "Gyllenhaal was born in New York City to film director Stephen Gyllenhaal and film producer and screenwriter Naomi Achs."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:54, 10 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "Her father was raised in the Swedenborgian religion and is a descendant of the Swedish noble Gyllenhaal family; her last Swedish ancestor was her great-great-grandfather, Leonard Gyllenhaal, a leading Swedenborgian who supported the printing and spreading of Swedenborg's writings." -> "Her father was raised in the Swedenborgian religion and is of the Swedish noble Gyllenhaal family; her last purely Swedish ancestor was her great-great-grandfather, Leonard Gyllenhaal, a leading Swedenborgian who supported the printing and spreading of Swedenborg's writings." I changed "last Swedish ancestor" to "last pure Swedish ancestor", since, of course, her father is Swedish. If that's not true (if her father, too, was pure Swedish), then maybe you could change it to "last ancestor from Sweden".
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:54, 10 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "In 1995, Gyllenhaal graduated from high school and moved to New York to attend Columbia University, to study in literature and Eastern religions. In 1999, she graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree." -> "In 1995, Gyllenhaal graduated from high school and moved to New York to attend Columbia University, where she studied literature and Eastern religions; she graduated in 1999 with a Bachelor of Arts degree."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:54, 10 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "After her studies at the Royal Academy, she worked a summer job in an upscale restaurant in Massachusetts, as a waitress." -> "After studying at the Royal Academy, she worked a summer job as a waitress in an upscale Massachusetts restaurant."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:54, 10 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "Gyllenhaal's first film roles were directed by her father: Waterland (1992), her feature film debut, A Dangerous Woman (1993), and Homegrown (1998)—the latter two also featured her brother." -> "Gyllenhaal's first films—her feature film debut, Waterland (1992); A Dangerous Woman (1993); and Homegrown (1998)—were directed by her father; the last two also featured her brother.
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:54, 10 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "Along with their mother..." Remove "along".
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:54, 10 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "After graduating from college she had a series of supporting roles, which included Cecil B. Demented (2000), Riding in Cars with Boys (2001), and 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002)." -> "After graduating from college, she played supporting roles in movies like Cecil B. Demented (2000), Riding in Cars with Boys (2001), and 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002)."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:54, 10 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "In her theatrical debut, she starred on the Berkeley Repertory Theatre stage in Patrick Marber's Closer. Production started in May 2000 and ended in mid-July of that year.[14] She received favorable critical reviews." -> "She made her theatrical debut the Berkeley Repertory Theatre production of Patrick Marber's Closer, for which she received favorable reviews. Production started in..."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:54, 10 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "In the New York Times review of the film, critic Stephen Holden noted:" -> "New York Times critic Stephen Holden noted:"
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:46, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "The film received generally favorable reviews and Gyllenhaal's performance earned her the Best Breakthrough Performance from the Online Film Critics Society, a first Golden Globe nomination and ..." -> "The film received generally favorable reviews, and Gyllenhaal's performance earned her the Best Breakthrough Performance award from the Online Film Critics Society, her first Golden Globe nomination, and ..."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:46, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "In 2003, she appeared in Mona Lisa Smile starring Julia Roberts" -> "In 2003, she co-starred with Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:46, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "Gyllenhaal plays Reilly's sister, a thoroughly straight hotel manager forced to help her crooked brother by seducing one of his patsies." -> "Gyllenhaal played an honest hotel manager forced to help her crooked brother (Reilly) by seducing one of his victims [?]" I'm not sure what a patsy is, but if it's a slang term, it should be replaced with a more standard word.
 * 'Patsy' means a person being taken advantage of, so, with the sentence you suggested, I removed the word, since its already noted. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:46, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "Gyllenhaal continued in theater acting, in a production of Tony Kushner's Homebody/ Kabul in Los Angeles, as Priscilla, the Homebody's daughter, played by Linda Emond, who spends most of the play searching in the city of Kabul, Afghanistan for her ever-elusive mother." -> "Gyllenhaal returned to theater in a Los Angeles production of Tony Kushner's Homebody/ Kabul as Priscilla, the Homebody's daughter, who spends most of the play searching for her elusive mother in Kabul, Afghanistan."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:46, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "Reviewing the production, Ben Brantley of The New York Times wrote:" Remove the "Reviewing the production" part, since the quote makes it obvious he's reviewing it.
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:46, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "Returning to her film career, Gyllenhaal starred in the 2005 comedy-drama Happy Endings, in which she played an adventuress singer who seduces a young gay musician, played by Jason Ritter, as well as his rich father, Tom Arnold." -> "Gyllenhaal's next film role was in the 2005 comedy-drama Happy Endings, in which she played an adventuress singer who seduces a young gay musician (Jason Ritter) as well as his rich father (Tom Arnold)."
 * "She further recorded songs" -> "She also recorded songs"
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:46, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "Gyllenhaal was invited to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences the following year." -> "Gyllenhaal was invited to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in 2006."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 21:46, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "...feel the ticking of her biological clock." What does this mean? Is there a more standard phrase that can be substituted?
 * Don't know how to explain it, but it means she's getting old and she feels, in the film, that its time for her to settle down and start a family. Like I said, don't know how to write it. Do you know what I'm trying to say? --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 23:15, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "She lent her voice as Elizabeth "Zee" in the computer animated horror film Monster House." -> "She voiced Elizabeth "Zee" in the CGI horror film Monster House."
 * Wouldn't it be more encyclopedic to have "computer animated" than "CGI"? --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 23:15, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "In February 2008, Gyllenhaal was cast to play the role of Suky in Rebecca Miller's The Private Lives of Pippa Lee, but pulled out before production began in March. She was replaced by Maria Bello." -> "In February 2008, Gyllenhaal was cast to play Suky in Rebecca Miller's The Private Lives of Pippa Lee but pulled out before production began and was replaced by Maria Bello."
 * Done. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 23:15, 11 November 2008 (UTC)
 * "She finished filming the comedy Farlanders, set to be released in 2009. Gyllenhaal plays a bohemian college professor who is an old friend of John Krasinski's character in the film." -> "She recently finished filming the comedy Farlanders (to be released in 2009), in which she plays a bohemian college professor who is an old friend of John Krasinski's character."
 * Done and took out the parentheses, hope that's cool. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 23:15, 11 November 2008 (UTC)