Wikipedia:Peer review/My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic/archive4

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
This peer review discussion has been closed. It's been one or two months since the article was at peer review, and I was hoping if you could help me find newly emerged problems in the article that would prevent it from getting to FA.  Flutter shy  !xmcuvg2MH 00:25, 28 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Previous peer review

doing Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 12:24, 14 January 2012 (UTC)


 * Two dead external links here

Recommend including this critique in critical reception section. Selery (talk) 16:58, 17 January 2012 (UTC)
 * To meet the FA requirements the article has to use only reliable sources - what makes this a WP:RS? Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 02:45, 24 January 2012 (UTC)
 * The site publishes established journalists subject to editorial supervision and has a good reputation for fact checking and accuracy. Please ask on WP:RSN if you have further questions. Selery (talk) 00:23, 25 January 2012 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: This looks pretty good, but I think the language is still a little too rough to have an easy time of it at FAC. I will try to point out as many examples of places where the prose could be polished or other issues as I can.
 * Where possible, avoid passive voice and flip it to active voice. SOme passive is OK, but active is almost always more concise and usually more interesting. In the lead The series is produced by Hasbro Studios and DHX Media Vancouver (formerly Studio B Productions). could be something like Hasbro Studios and DHX Media Vancouver (formerly Studio B Productions) produce the series. Or it could even be combined with the previous sentence (It is based on Hasbro's My Little Pony line of toys and animated works.) to give something like Hasbro Studios and DHX Media Vancouver (formerly Studio B Productions) produce the series, which is based on Hasbro's My Little Pony line of toys and animated works.
 * Four sentences in the second paragraph start with "Faust" or "Lauren Faust" - again switching the first sentence to active voice "Hasbro selected Lauren Faust..." would help here too.
 * Seems a bit too certain as to the reasons why Reasons for this unintended appreciation include Faust's creative contribution to the writing and characterization... Perhaps something like "Reasons cited for this unintended appreciation..."?
 * Could the first sentence of Origins give the year MLP started? ''[Since YEAR], Hasbro, Inc. has produced several generations of toys and entertainment related to the My Little Pony franchise...
 * Avoid needless repetition The animated cartoon series My Little Pony Tales, produced in 1992, was the toy line's most recent television series before Friendship Is Magic, and it featured the pony designs of the first generation.[3][4] Does the sentence need both animated and cartoon (wouldn't either one suffice)? Does the sentence need the word series twice? Perhaps something like My Little Pony Tales (2002) was the toy line's most recent animated television series before Friendship Is Magic; it featured first-generation pony designs.
 * MOS says that images should draw the reader's eyes into the article - the photo of Lauren Faust is looking the wrong way (out of the article)
 * Tweak / tighten this to something like ''Senior Vice President Linda Steiner stated that they "intended to have the show appeal to a larger" demographic, with a central theme of the Hub's programming being parents "co-viewing" with their children.[8]
 * First sentence of Production does not need to say "(formerly Studio B)" as this was expalined in the previous paragraph
 * Move last phrase earlier ''Though Studio B performed this animation work initially, [in the later part of Season 1 and beyond] the final steps of creating the animation were passed to Top Draw Animation in the Philippines, an animation studio that Studio B had worked well with in the past, in the later part of Season 1 and beyond .[14]
 * MOSIMAGE also says not to sandwich text between two images - in Production the photo of Thiessen could be moved lower to avoid this.
 * Any more details on why Faust left?
 * This sounds contradictory Near the end of the first season, Faust announced that she had left the show, and for season two she stepped down as Executive Producer, to become Consulting Producer. The phrase "left the show" makes it sound as if she was completely gone, but then it says she was still Executive Producer, and is still Consulting Producer.
 * OK, I will just poiint out MOS issues - see if WP:GOCE or someone listed at WP:PR/V under copyedits can help.
 * Who is the sister? Celestia reappears, reunites with her sister,...  See WP:WAF and WP:PCR
 * Cutie Mark Crusaders info in Charatcers is a bit repetitious (already in Premise)
 * Article refers to "as of September 2011" a few times but it is now 4 months later - can this be updated?
 * Episodes section needs a ref too
 * Needs some sort of date / year for context ''Shannon Chan-Kent, the singing voice performer for the character Pinkie Pie, has begun recording for an upcoming third season.[1]
 * I would be explicit that TV-Y is ages 2 and up. ''The series is rated TV-Y (designed for a very young audience).
 * Really awkward ''The series is or will be available in the following languages, sorted in chronological order of debut. The series is or will be automatically available in countries wherever the following television channels are broadcast.
 * Avoid short (one or two sentence) paragraphs and sections as much as possible - Toys and merchandise is one sentence - could it be combined with something else?\
 * Watch tenses in Critical reception - some critics' views are present tense (Todd VanDerWerff of the A.V. Club favorably notes ...) others are past tense (Kathleen Richter of Ms. believed that...)
 * OK, will stop for now

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 04:08, 24 January 2012 (UTC)
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in all peer reviews, in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)