Wikipedia:Peer review/Rex Ryan/archive1

Rex Ryan
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… I have done quite a bit of renovating and I would like any feedback so I can correct any other blemishes and take the article to FAC.

Thanks, The Writer 2.0 Talk 19:20, 15 May 2011 (UTC)

Working on this. One thing we might as well face off the bat, there may well be adverse comment about the heavy reliance on the subject's autobiography. I forget who it was, it may have been Heinlein, who said that autobiography is sometimes truthful but rarely honest. Thoughts? I'll be back to you with prose comments in a bit.--Wehwalt (talk) 17:17, 16 May 2011 (UTC)

Here's some to get you started:


 * Lede
 * I'd like to find some way of avoiding the double use of "football" in the opening sentence but don't really see how to avoid it.
 * I don't see any reason not to have a second paragraph talking about what makes Ryan notable, so to speak, his success with the Jets, his outspokenness, that sort of thing.
 * Early life
 * "Ardmore Oklahoma". The usual practice is to have a comma between the city and state name.  Unless it is a very famous city (New York, Chicago), you must link, thus:  Ardmore, Oklahoma.  Many people do thus Ardmore, Oklahoma .  Personally, I'm lazy.
 * "when Ryan was two." I think at this point, call him Rex.  Better yet, this time, say "when the boys were aged two" (to forstall a nickpick) and thereafter call him Rex until he graduates high school.  It's unnatural to call a toddler by a last name.
 * "defensive pioneer". I agree, but you need to establish him in the body as a coach.  The body should not depend on the lede for facts.
 * "Ryan and brother" both boys
 * I suggest the reversal of the last two lines in the first paragraph.
 * "In 1978, when Buddy was hired by the Chicago Bears, " since we must write for the not yet clued in, suggest adding "as head coach" (if that is when he was made head coach, if not somewhere establish his becoming head coach and winning the Super Bowl (I remember that defense holding the Jets to almost nothing on a cold December day), after all, that is what his son has been looking up to all these years.
 * Continue to refer to Rex Ryan as "Rex" through college, actually, since there is the both of them going to the same school.

--Wehwalt (talk) 18:08, 16 May 2011 (UTC)
 * In regards to relying upon the book, I do see your point however, most of the information cited can be confirmed online and I believe a good portion of his days prior to the Jets did come out in the New York Times' rather large (no pun intended) spread they did over the summer, all ten pages of it: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/12/magazine/12ryan-t.html. But, if need be, I could obtain more outside references (though I'd just like to point out that many of the references are used to cite games throughout his career with the exception of his "Early Life" and his "Personal Life" which do rely upon the book heavily). -- The Writer 2.0 Talk 19:15, 16 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Well, if it is brought up say that you wil gladly do an extra cite for any points deemed contentious, do they think any of them are?--Wehwalt (talk) 19:38, 16 May 2011 (UTC)
 * Not that I have been told thus far. -- The Writer 2.0 Talk 19:58, 16 May 2011 (UTC)

Here's a bunch more. I think it looks pretty good. You have to watch a tendency to wax poetic.


 * College
 * "with the help of his father" Does this refer to what comes before or what comes after?
 * I-AA and FCS could probably use links.
 * "twice in the two" Delete word "twice"
 * "Additionally", perhaps instead "in addition to coaching".
 * " Master's degree " Certainly capitalize, better to say Master of Arts (or of Science)
 * "during which the Cowboys" You may get complaints that you haven't established the Cowboys with New Mexico Highlands. Arguable.
 * "amongst" considered a dirty word at FAC, use "among" instead, please. Nation is lower case.
 * "After a brief two-year stint with the Arizona Cardinals in the National Football League" Two things. Omit "brief".  Second, by this point, you do not need to spell out National Football League, just NFL it.  I would shorten to "the NFL's Arizona Cardinals".
 * You don't need an "assistant coach" subsection, you're going down two levels, if you understand.
 * "Bowl" is lower case. You can't just leave a "Sooner" out there like that.
 * "had failed" Perhaps just "failed"
 * You know, I think you would do better keeping the sotry chronological.

NFL:
 * "Ryan accepted." Last action was an interview, so it's a minor continuity glitch here.  Job offer wasn't mentioned.  "When offered the job, Ryan accepted."
 * " Ryan earning a Super Bowl XXXV ring." Well, they won the game.  Perhaps "a Super Bowl victory; Ryan's only Super Bowl ring." Or something like that.
 * "in recognition of his efforts" cut, adds nothing.
 * " In his final year with the team," Arguably it might be better to change "his" to "Ryan's" as "his" could be misinterpreted as "Harbaugh's".
 * I think you should be a little less dramatic about how you end the section.
 * Jets
 * "a plethora" Perhaps too strong a word, and also perhaps too artsy (can't you hear the Patriots fans jeering "A pweth-or-a"!)
 * the way you phrase it makes it uncertain if the $11.5 million figure is for the life of the contract, or each year
 * It is not explained why moving training camp to SUNY Cortland (should be linked) advanced Ryan's goals.
 * I would mention the Jets traded up to get Sanchez
 * I would combine the first two sentences about the Jets-Texans.
 * "shutout their opponents offense." "shut out their opponents' offense".
 * The defense no doubt kept New England out of the end zone. However they did not shut them out.
 * " the first home victory" The Jets' first, etc.
 * "save for" Winning only?
 * "Indianapolis Colts which was not without controversy" Perhaps "Indianapolis Colts—a game not without controversy" And I think you have to explain why the starters were pulled. I think you can simply say they had nothing to play for.
 * "wild card contender" wild card team.
 * "thus," omit, comma and all. You are waxing poetic again and FAC doesn't appreciate it.
 * "Ryan continued to boast about the Jets' abilities" Have you previously established that he boasted about the Jets?
 * "His words were nearly immortalized " Perhaps a little too poetic again. Maybe he lived up to his words?  I'm sure there's a better phrasing.
 * "set by Bill Parcells in 1998 (the Jets finished the 1998 season with a record of 12–4)" Perhaps an unnecessary parenthetical. Also, I don't think coaches win games, teams win games.
 * I feel like this area of the article is a bit too trivia-stuffed.
 * "first seeded" Hyphen?
 * The repetition of "actions" in the first paragraph of the controversies section is unpleasing. Then in the next, criticism/criticize so close together.
 * Is it not fairer to say "refused to confirm or deny"? I think that is more neutral.

--Wehwalt (talk) 20:43, 16 May 2011 (UTC)