Wikipedia:Peer review/Xbox 360/archive2

Xbox 360
Did a lot of changes, would like a rereview to see what else I should work on. Excluding development, having a bit of problems on the research for that. Jigahurtz


 * Random comments:


 * "This flexibility stands in contrast to the situation faced with the original Xbox. Which Microsoft was never able to reduce Xbox manufacturing costs below the break-even point." Spot the extra word.
 * Not the word I was referring to, but good catch anyway.
 * Additionally, "Which...point" in that form is a bad sentence fragement. They should be somehow merged into a single sentence or something. 68.39.174.238 08:15, 14 October 2006 (UTC)
 * "This flexibility stands in contrast to the situation Microsoft faced with the original Xbox, where manufacturing costs were never reduced below the break-even point."
 * Better?74.33.2.89 06:32, 15 October 2006 (UTC)

Hope that helps. Also, it is common courtesy to archive old peer reviews, instead of overwriting them. Nifboy 06:16, 21 July 2006 (UTC)
 * "Due to its early launch, the Xbox 360 has a jump start on both of its competitors, the Playstation 3 and Wii, and high-end games, such as Gears of War, Too Human and Saints Row are expected to hit shelves this fall and could cause an increase in system sales." The former is not a great sentence (can be reduced to "The Xbox 360 launched a year prior to the expected launches of its competitors"), and the latter is purely speculation and ought to be removed outright.
 * Removed -74.33.11.34 08:44, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * " A recent firmware update allows you to specify" Avoid second person ("You")
 * Fixed-74.33.11.34 08:44, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * I am not particularly fond of the lists of menu options in the UI section (the list of "blades" and the list of Guide options). Generally speaking, those options which are worth noting have their own section.
 * Removed70.101.201.248 23:15, 9 August 2006 (UTC)
 * "A Windows Media Connect utility allows users to stream various formats of digital music and pictures to their Xbox 360 console (video cannot be streamed with the Windows Media Connect software)." - "Various formats" is not particularly informative, and the lengthy parenthetical comment ought to be lured out of its shell.
 * Fixed70.101.201.248 23:15, 9 August 2006 (UTC)
 * The entire Xbox Live section ought to be copyedited; sentences like "Microsoft also has trial weekends for Silver members to access the full features of Gold service temporarily." don't seem to parse correctly. Bonus points for use of the word scrip, though; I may use it in other articles instead of "Microcurrency" or "virtual currency".
 * Carmack quote should be cited, ideally.
 * Cited70.101.201.248 23:13, 9 August 2006 (UTC)
 * I'm not quite sure what Procedural Synthesis is doing here, and what it has to do with the Xbox 360 development. I would just reduce it to a single sentence ("The XBox 360 development tools are capable of procedural synthesis for the creation of static content, such as trees.")
 * Done70.101.201.248 23:13, 9 August 2006 (UTC)
 * "There are three known suppliers of these drives for the Xbox 360" Hard drives, CD-DVD drives, or both?
 * Fixed -74.33.11.34 08:44, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
 * "Quick Charge Kit: Charges your two rechargeable battery packs in less time than the Play and Charge Kit" - Second person and advertising-esque language. The entire components and accessories list isn't much better, either; I prefer complete sentences.
 * -74.33.11.34 08:44, 24 July 2006 (UTC)Reworded


 * Please see automated peer review suggestions here. Thanks, AZ t 14:50, 21 July 2006 (UTC)