Wikipedia:Peer review/Yu Kanda/archive2

Yu Kanda
I've listed this article for peer review because of the FA nomination I withdrew some days ago. While there were some issues with the prose as User:Brianboulton (who I think retired) pointed, another user, User:Lois Lane vs Mary Jane, said the character's creation sections relied too much on Japanese sources. However, I can't avoid that since the only two D.Gray-man books, Gray's Ark and Charagray, were never translated by Viz Media. As a result, LoislvsMaryJ said I had to add more of the original material. I tried experimenting here but it seems to be a lot of WP:Undue weight. After talking with User:ProtoDrake, he suggested me doing another peer review to see if I can nominate it again, but I would like to hear more opinions about the article (prose, image, etc) from more experienced users like User:Ian Rose
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, Tintor2 (talk) 21:02, 10 May 2017 (UTC)
 * I've been struggling to help you with this issue in implementing it due to my technical difficulties, but I think maybe the way to do it is duplicate refs wrt the book, page number etc, but each with a different quote? Like, reference one has this quote from page 28 and reference two has another, and they're identical except for the quotes? I think that may be a way to handle at least so you don't have entire paragraphs in a single reference, and it lets one cut down on ellipses in place of material that isn't used in the reference. Too many ellipses makes it look like you're leaving context out when really you're leaving out the third of a page of unrelated material. ~Cheers, Ten  Ton  Parasol  03:23, 11 May 2017 (UTC)


 * I tried asking in the cite book example, but the users were kind of against using fan translations too. Still, I don't know Japanese very well so I don't know exactly well how to split the references. I won't renominate the article until the users think it's okay. Thanks for the feedback.Tintor2 (talk) 03:46, 11 May 2017 (UTC)

Comment
I have not "retired", but I am at present concentrating on occasional reviewing rather than content creation or major projects. I did try to help improve the prose at the recent FAC, and was still struggling with it when you wisely threw in the towel (though I'd have appreciated a warning beforehand). In any event, I had come to the conclusion that I can't do much about poor grammar and sentence construction when I don't always understand the point that's being made – my attempts to improve could change the meaning and make the problem worse. Also I am unable to distinguish between what is information is important and what is unnecessary detail. You need to work with someone who a) knows how to write good English, b) knows the subject very well and c) has a lot of patience. That person, I'm afraid, is not me, so I won't be participating further. I do wish your efforts well, and appreciate the difficulties in preparing an FAC article when not a native English speaker. One last point: take your time about resubmitting to FAC, and don't be misguided by those who give easy praise and "support", while the article still falls way below the required standard. Brianboulton (talk) 21:24, 11 May 2017 (UTC)


 * Thanks. I'll reconsider before renominating a FA.Tintor2 (talk) 23:22, 11 May 2017 (UTC)

Comments by Bruce1ee
Here are my comments on the prose; I haven't attempted to navigate the source – I'll leave that to someone else. Keep in mind that I have had no exposure to manga or anime, so this review comes from an outsider.

Lead
 * "Due to his original backstory having multiple plot holes, Hoshino rewrote it.": You need to say that Hoshino also wrote the original backstory; as it stands, it suggests someone else wrote it.
 * "His appearances in the manga and anime series have been met with mixed reactions as result of Kanda's antisocial qualities, comparable with those seen in other series.": What other series?

Creation and design
 * "He wears a long coat, and though Allen Walker wore a similar coat": This is the first mention of Walker, so we need to be told who his is; suggest adding "the series' protagonist" before his name.
 * "When the series' tenth volume was released, Hoshino joked about how she missed Kanda. In response, within the manga Kanda impaled Hoshino's character avatar, claiming that Hoshino did not know how to illustrate him well, so that Kanda made few appearances in the series' beginning.": I don't understand this. Was volume 10 Kanda's last appearance? In which volume did he impale Hoshino's character avatar? Who is Hoshino's character avatar?

Personality and attributes
 * "In one fan letter, it was asked if Kanda was well meaning on the inside, the main cast found it unrealistic.": This isn't clear – what "main cast"?
 * "Though Hoshino denied,": should be "denied this,".
 * "Allen sends both of them to the town of Martel for the two of them to gain their freedom.": "for the two of them" is redundant.
 * "She noted that as result of this": Should be "as a result".
 * This section has a lot of story plot elements – are they all needed to illustrate Kanda's personality and attributes?
 * The last paragraph detailing Kanda's anime voice actors – what does this have to with his personality and attributes?

In D.Gray-man
 * "There, he engages the Noah Skin Bolic to allow his allies move to another room": Should be "to allow his allies to move to".
 * "In the main storyline, Alma is afterward found to be alive": Suggest "Alma is found afterwards".
 * "go on a mission to find the disappeared Allen": Why not simply "go on a mission to find Allen"?

In other media
 * Why not mention the names of the two video games?
 * The phrase "a brief appearance" is repeated is successive sentences.

Critical reception
 * "Chris Beveridge, a reviewer from the Fandom Post, also enjoyed the flashbacks that detailed Kanda's past and said that it would be "interesting" to observe Kanda and Allen's relationship in future volumes after seeing the scenes.": "after seeing the scenes" could be left off.

—Bruce1eetalk 14:39, 12 May 2017 (UTC)


 * Done. Thanks.Tintor2 (talk) 17:15, 12 May 2017 (UTC)