Talk:County of Pembroke War Memorial

Milhist Comments
More context needs to be given for information included in the body sections, especially 'Planning'. Sentence awkwardness needs to be fixed to get the B4 criterion. Shotgunscoop (talk) 23:23, 20 February 2021 (UTC)
 * - I think I need more explanation of the problems you see in the article. Should I remove the military history assessment? Thanks.  Tony Holkham   (Talk)  23:34, 20 February 2021 (UTC)
 * The categorization in Military History is completely fine, and I think a lot of the article grammar is up to standard. Assessing for the B4 criterion (grammar and style) is difficult because there is a lot of space for personal interpretation, especially in style. For example, two sentences I thought were confusing were "As the administration centre for the county, public and political figures from Haverfordwest and further afield, led by local MP Sir Ivor Philipps, argued for a permanent memorial. While funds accrued, professional advice was sought, and discussions took place, and eventually a design and location was decided". The first sentence implies that 'public and political figures from Haverfordwest and further afield' are the 'administration centre' that was talked about in the previous clause. I assumed that wasn't true, since I interpreted 'administration centre' as referring to an actual building or a group of buildings. The second sentence is choppy because of the two 'ands' that begin two adjacent clauses, both of them tacked on to the independent clause (the independent clause is 'Professional advice was sought'). 'While funds accrued' is, in my opinion, a little ambiguous, and I think you should change the clause to reflect where the funds came from. An example of a phrase needing context is 'Memorial Hospital'. I think this is an ambiguous term - which Memorial Hospital are we talking about? You should also mention in the lead section that the memorial is in Great Britain/Wales (forgive me if I'm wrong I'm not British), as the casual reader might not be familiar with the area of Haverfordwest. Those are some examples of what I thought could be improved, some copyediting and expansion should make the article a bit better. Shotgunscoop (talk) 00:36, 21 February 2021 (UTC)


 * - thanks for explaining your comments on the grammar in the article. Obviously, I will be looking to improve its clarity (it was only created yesterday), and will take on board your concerns.  Tony Holkham   (Talk)  10:56, 21 February 2021 (UTC)