Wikipedia:More Best of BJAODN

This is a collection of the best jokes and nonsense from Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense. The criterion for a joke getting on this page is simple: at least one Wikipedian found it hilarious.

Code Fairy
The Code Fairy is a fictional spirit said to eat semicolons and curly braces from computer source code.

It is well known that the Windows code fairy has the largest wings but cannot fly. The Apple code fairy has the most beautiful wings but they are so small that everyone believes they don't exist. The Linux code fairy looks different depending on who kissed it last. The UNIX code fairy looks like grumpy and old. The SCO-Linux code fairy looks like a lawyer and pursues anyone who kisses the Linux code fairy.

The Code Fairy is an example of folklore mythology which non-programmers know is fiction, but which is sometimes presented by computer programmers as fact, as a way of explaning how a computer program stops working after compiling it, without altering the source code.

-But they do exist!

From Hell, Michigan
Hell's main export is, appropriately, kitsch. Among other things, it has a "fully non-accredited" college, Damnation University -- DamU to alumni -- that sells half-singed diplomas, and a small post office in the back of the general store popular with irate taxpayers and recent divorcees. Also a motorcycle dealership and an ice cream parlor, which bear mentioning by virtue of being the only other businesses in town.

From User:D3h 3l33t (484I r00lz
4h 1zzz 4 (!r(uM\/3nti0N D3v!(3, s0 !f 4h 1zzz rh!!D!N9 1n Urr K4R U m!9Ht 93T Bu5xxxed b/ d3h 3ff-B33-3Y3!!!!!!

Note: The user name means "The elite cabal rules". The text means "I is a circumvention device, so if I is riding in your car you might get busted by the F.B.I.!"

From User talk:D3h 3l33t (484I r00lz
Could you please write your edit summaries in plain English? They would be much more helpful than the leetspeak summaries that you are currently using. Thanks. Guanaco 17:05, Aug 6, 2004 (UTC)


 * U zh0ULD 83 gr34Tphhu1 zz@T 3y3 d0 N0t #r!te zz3m !N |<L!N90N!!!! &nd zz@t 3Y3 M 3D!T!N9 d3h 4RT!(L3ZZZ zzz3mz31v3zz 1n uR 3NN9L!zh33!!!  R U 90!N9 2 84N M3 2 d3h http://l33t.wikipedia.org n0\/\/?


 * D3h 3l33t (484I r00lz

Note: The message means "You should be grateful that I do not write them in Klingon! And that I am editing the articles themselves in your English!  Are you going to ban me to the http://l33t.wikipedia.org now?"

From Featured Article Candidates
Exploding whale is nominated as a Featured Article Candidate - here's one of the (surprisingly few) objections:


 * I fear there might not quite be enough meat to this article. Pcb21| Pete 15:57, 12 Aug 2004 (UTC)
 * That one stinks. [[User:Meelar|Meelar (talk)]] 15:59, 2004 Aug 12 (UTC)
 * Yow! I see everyone is having a whale of a time making bad jokes about this story. It makes me so sad I want to blubber. - Ta bu shi da yu 10:00, 13 Aug 2004 (UTC)
 * Well as long as you don't blow your top about it.... Pcb21| Pete 10:13, 13 Aug 2004 (UTC)

''What a terrible carrion that was! zoney | talk 13:38, 16 Aug 2004 (UTC)''

You have two Wikipedias...
The following joke was deleted from You have two cows as an inappropriate self-reference. It's still funny, though...

Wikipedianism: ''This cow is a heifer. You can help Wikipedia by [ milking it].''

''These cows are temporarily protected from milking. Please resolve disputes on the talk page. Protection is not intended to express support of German or Polish cows.''

Some people say you have two cows. Others disagree. Some experts state that anyone who denies the existence of your cows is probably smoking too much manure, but others revert them and call them Nazis.

...But of course, all such arguments are meaningless, because each adherent argues the proposition from a different place in the experiment. Those who assert two cows do so before opening the box -- that is, before the Eigenstate has collapsed into either a living or a dead cow. Those who deny the existence of any cow have merely opened the wrong box, being (as it were) themselves the subject of a second-level experiment regarding the location of the box.

From User talk:Theresa knott
WikiWatch Violations

This wiki is in direct violation of the policies of the WikiWatch foundation. The specific citations are: &mdash;WikiWatch (Talk)   13:16, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Failure to remove all British spelling on a U.S.-based project.
 * We refuse to have our spelling policy dictated to us
 * The WikiWatch Foundation policy clearly states that all spelling should be consistent, and that of the country in which the project's servers are located.
 * What do we care what the wikiwatch foundation policy is?We refuse to have our policies dictated to us by outsiders.Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * The WikiWatch Foundation oversees all English language wikis. Failure to comply will result in legal action.    &mdash; i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Failure to remove foreign news from the main page of a U.S.-based project.
 * We refuse to have our "in the news" content dictated to us.
 * Again, the WikiWatch Foundation does not allow this. Content on the main page needs to directly affect residents of the wiki's home nation, determined by where the servers are located.
 * And again, we don't care. We will not comply.Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * The WikiWatch Foundation oversees all English language wikis. Failure to comply will result in legal action.    &mdash; i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Blocking users permanently without first giving a 24-hour block.
 * We refuse our have our blocking policy dictated to us.Admins usually give a warning but are trusted to make a judgement on occasions. We do sometimes unblock permenantly blocked users, but the decision to do this is ours (the wikipedia community) not yours.
 * In the cases of User:Totally Nude, and User:Silver Proxy, inadequate warnings were posted and no 24-hour blocks were administered, the admins did not assume good faith.
 * Are you a sockpuppet for either of these users?
 * You've committed another violation by asking that.   &mdash; i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Locking the logo to prevent the &ldquo;direct violation&rdquo; notice from being uploaded.
 * We refuse to allow our logo to be vandalised.
 * To say that this blocking is to keep from vandalism is like saying that you're speeding, and refusing to pull over to keep the officer from &ldquo;harassing&rdquo; you.
 * You are very funny. Even so we will not let you vandalise our logo. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * It's not vandalism to enforce the law.   &mdash; i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Deleting an attempt to let upload the &ldquo;direct violation&rdquo; notice.
 * We refuse to allow our logo to be vandalised.
 * If you break the law, and an officer gives you a ticket, do you say he's &ldquo;harassing&rdquo; you? The &ldquo;direct violation&rdquo; notice is the equivalent of a digital ticket.
 * Your "foundation"'s policies are not the law. We refuse to abide by them. We will not let you vandalise our logo.Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Explain how it's vandalism to enforce the law.   &mdash; i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Utilizing an edit bar that encourages users to use "--" instead of an em-dash.
 * --We refuse to allow outsiders dictate our formatting.
 * This violation has been overturned as the edit bar content is due to poor software, not administrative error.
 * Needlessly removing a user's nomination for adminship.
 * We refuse to allow trolling.
 * It is not at all trolling to request an administrator status, especially as a representative of the WikiWatch Foundation.
 * Yes Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Huh? It wasn't a yes or no question.  Please explain.    &mdash; i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Lack of a proper defense for users permanently blocked.
 * That is a lie. Permenantly blocked users can appeal by email. Wikipedia is not a court of law. No one has the right to edit here. The wikimedia foundation headed by Jimbo has graciously allowed people to edit. Trolls and troublemakers should go elsewhere though.
 * How can a blocked user appeal by email if they don't have an email address entered? The proper way to handle an appeal process is by discussing it on the wiki before the ban takes effect.  That way, you can't discriminate against anons and users without an email entered.  I'm surprised that Wikimedia hasn't been sued over this.
 * You can't sue someone for blocking you from editing their website. You do not have a legal right to edit this website. We usually warn but in execptional cases we sometimes block vandals without warning.
 * You can, however, sue on the grounds that you discriminated because that person did not have an email address entered.   &mdash; i386 | Talk 13:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

You are a very funny guy. Very strange! Oh well it takes all sorts I suppose. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 13:40, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * For the sake of Wikipedia I ask you to take up the foundation's warnings. I don't want us getting sued over this.


 * Where did this discussion originate? I'm trying to work out where it started, and how User:WikiWatch relates to User:33451 aka i386. &mdash; David Remahl 14:07, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Clearly from above wikiwatch is a sockpuppet of 33451. The conversation started on wikiwatch's talk page. Note to 33451 threatening legal action has lead to people being banned in the past. I will block you if you don't stop trolling. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 14:18, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Huh? I am neither threatening legal action, nor trolling.  The WikiWatch Foundation is threatening legal action, I'm simply making sure you're aware of that.  And I don't see how I'm trolling at all&mdash;I didn't do anything that's a violation of policy.    &mdash; i386 | Talk 14:22, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Would you mind if I ask TimStarling or some other developer to verify that WikiWatch is not a sock puppet (and verify your claim that you have no other sock-puppets at the same time)? &mdash; David Remahl 14:28, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Yeah, because I'm at school so this really doesn't mean it's me, it could be anyone here.   &mdash; i386 | Talk 14:32, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * But it is you. We are not stupid, and you are veryy silly. If you threaten legal action again I will block you, and all your sockpuppets. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 14:41, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * I did not threaten legal action. I have simply told you that the wikiwatch foundation will take legal action. I can't be held responsible for that.  How long to you plan to block me?    &mdash; i386 | Talk 14:44, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * That is a threat. You are the wikiwatch foundation. So yes, you can be held responsible. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 14:46, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Here's your logic, Theresa. You support the Wikimedia Foundation.  I can therefore say that you are the Wikimedia Foundation, and you responsible for its actions.  At least, that's what you've done to me.  ''How long do you plan to block me?"    &mdash; i386 | Talk 14:58, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

The wikiwatch foundation does not exist. It is a childish figment of your imagination. As for how long i should block you, I will take it under advisement from other wikipedians. Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 15:43, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * Haha, you really blew it this time... &mdash; David Remahl 14:52, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

I am a representative of the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation. I find WikiWatch to be in violation of the following policies of my organization:


 * 1) Practicing and encouraging xenophobia, as indicated by his comments on British spelling and foreign news.
 * 2) Threatening trivial legal action on behalf of a nonexistent organization.
 * 3) Sock Puppetry in the form of a nonexistent organization.
 * 4) Active trolling, (though the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation is willing to consider that this may be more along the lines of mere childish vandalism)

Unless these activities stop, the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation will have no choice but to initiate Fake Legal Proceedings! Heed this warning, we will initiate these utterly Fake and Meaningless Proceedings against you.

func(talk) 15:25, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)


 * Right that's it! Func is fake banned indefinitely! Theresa Knott (taketh no rest) 15:35, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)


 * I am a representative of the Wiki the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation. I find you in violation of the following WtWtWWFtm policies:


 * All user wikis must be italicized per convention 6.3e-2
 * Italicizing foreign promotes xenophobia and should be avoided
 * Sock Puppetry and trolling must always be wikified. No exceptions...
 * "Childish" must always link to www.disney.com per Connecticut consent decree 04-102-1 and convention 8.2a-12. (Lawsuit: Mothers against Drunk Browsing v. WhiteHouse.com)
 * All representatives of WtWWF must register as sex-offenders in their local jurisdiction.


 * Unless these activies stop, the Wiki the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation will have no choice but to initiate Fake Request for Comment Proceedings! Heed this warning, we will start a revert war and vandalbot attack to make our viewpoint the only neutral viewpoint.


 * T&#949;x &#964;  ur&#949;  15:45, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Oh, come off it. You are nothing but a sock puppet for Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu. I would also like to caution you that my mother is opposed to Drunk Browsing, as it is against her religion. And please: realize that my viewpoint, in the opinion of everyone who agrees with me, is the only neutral viewpoint. func(talk) 16:07, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

(edit conflict) Texture you have failed to wikify to wikfy sock puppettry and trolling in your statement above you are violation of your own decree. Accordingly I think you should start a fake rfc against yourself. User:Theresa knott/RFC-Texture i think fake de-adminship is on the cards. 16:09, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Apparently this has become a joke, so we now have the Watch the Wiki the Watch the WikiWatch Foundation. You're all under Fake arrest. Can I move this to BJAODN? &mdash; i386 | Talk 17:30, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)
 * While the whole mess probably is most fit for BJAODN, I suspect your motive for wanting to move it there is to hide away evidence. Would you please also explain why I may not link to your archived talk page from RfA (reply on User_talk:Chmod007)? &mdash; David Remahl 17:34, 16 Sep 2004 (UTC)

Intro
No one ever really believed in superheroes. They were great for movies and comic books and cartoons and children's fantasies, but they were about as real as Santa Claus.

History
Then, in 1967, all that changed. At a suburban hospital in Sacramento, California, Leslie Finch gave birth to her first child--a small boy. It is a given that the doctor followed procedure, though he may have been surprised at the baby's initial appearance. After the routine smack on the bottom, the doctor ceased to exist. So did the baby's mother, the nurses, and most of the east wing. In a fiery explosion the small baby evinced the first publicly recorded release of metahuman abilities. Several hundred patients and staff were killed or injured in the blast, but rescue crews discovered a small, blue-skinned baby, seemingly unharmed but deteriorating rapidly, amidst tons of charred rubble. The baby survived for three more hours, his skin nearly unbreakable by normal means and thus preventing the necessary medical attention.

The public went crazy, to say the least. The baby was an alien, some said, or the Devil incarnate. Even Christ reborn. Scientists labored relentlessly to find an answer, and eventually Dr. Parcell Fournier, a French geneticist, discovered the Metahuman Gene. At first the public was skeptical. The baby was a superman of sorts? Preposterous! Public opinion was soon swayed, however, as more and more individuals stepped forward and revealed superhuman powers of greater or lesser magnitude, or were discovered under the new scrutiny of a nation. Emily Thorinson of Dayton, Ohio could change the color of any plant she touched. She had been winning awards for her yellow and blue roses for years. Charles Keating could lift his Harley Davidson motorcycle over his head with one hand. Xian Chow of Beijing sneezed in a restaurant and shattered windows for nearly a mile in all directions. Suddenly the world had to deal with a brand new situation - a metahuman population.

Government records indicate that some evidence of the metagene existed prior to The Finch Baby in 1967, and later research indicated that the metagene may have existed as early as the 1800's, but nothing had ever been proven and the exact cause of it's activation is unknown to this day, though speculation leads modern science to ambient radiation caused by the detonation of nuclear weapons. The origin of the metagene itself remains a mystery, though several projects exist specifically researching the topic. The Human Genome Project, by far the best funded and staffed of the projects, has determined that it is as often as not psionic in nature, meaning that a person's power or powers are either directly tied in with the mind (mental powers), or seem to have some basis in their psyche. Even physical mutations have been related to an individuals mental state of mind, or even their current thoughts at the time of the change. Subconscious stimuli and psychological states at times of metagene activation are being considered as both catalyst and metagene programmer. The circumstances causing the activation may also have a bearing on what alterations in an individual take place. With the notable lack of hard data, however, further research is warranted, and everything from prehistoric genetic tampering to cosmic radiation is being investigated as a source for the metagene's recent activity. In all cases, however, the metagene is fundamentally uniform in structure. Also, no individual who has demonstrated powers is without the gene, and no individual without the gene has ever demonstrated powers. If one does not possess the gene at all, one will not gain superpowers ever.

Many of the early metahumans were gathered up for tests, persuaded one way or another to contribute to scientific research. Many of these individuals, though later released, spoke of mistreatment, physical and psychological abuse, and in some cases, death at the hands of their "doctors". Nothing was proved, but it wasn't too far fetched, all things considered, and people began to embrace the metahuman population as a "needy cause". Some of the names heard in the news, however, were never heard from again. Charles Keating was sent to Viet Nam in 1968 and is still listed as MIA. There is no recorded evidence of Xian Chow's whereabouts after 3 days following her outburst.

By 1973 several more incidents of metahuman births were recorded, but scientists had discovered a screening process to ensure the child's safe arrival into the world. The advent of Project:Lifeline was instrumental in finally bringing the reality home to the average citizen. Founded by Dr. Robert Mayer, Project:Lifeline was set up to be the foremost medical facility in dealing with metahumans. Powers rarely manifested at birth, but the Project enables doctors to determine if the metagene is present in unborn fetuses, and takes steps to ensure a safe birth as well as pre- and post-natal care of the infant. By the end of the decade metahumans were being discovered or born on an almost daily basis. Virtually all demographic denominations were affected, though notably affluent countries experienced a higher presence of metahumans than, for example, Third World countries.

The seventies were a time of great social upheaval and tension within the United States, and indeed even other parts of the world. With the Viet Nam conflict highly unpopular, America was having a difficult time adjusting to the rise of metahumans in it's midst. Organizations were formed for the advocacy of metahuman rights, such as Project:Lifeline, and even MetaFriends--a national support group for metahumans and their friends and family--as well as SANE (Superhumans And Normals as Equals). Other groups rose up to condemn metahumans as being "mutants" or "freaks of nature", and a potential danger to humanity in general. SLAM (Stronger Limits Against Metacriminals) was one of the first and is possibly the best organized and reasonable of these groups. The Friends of Humanity (FoH) are one of the most vocal and notable of these organizations, and exist in one form or another even today. The FoH is known for their aggressive stance against metahumans, going so far as to picket the houses of known metahumans. Thus far, violence and hate crimes that can be tied to them have been held at a minimum though suspicions run high when such a crime is committed. A splinter group, however, used private sector funding to move underground, becoming a paramilitary organization with vast resources, eventually emerging in the early 80's as Genocide. Their views are public and violent, and they hold that only through genetic cleansing can the human race save itself. They have extensive international political and economic support, though rarely is there open support for the group.

Nations across the globe reacted in a variety of ways. Some adopted an open-arms policy, believing the metahumans to be the blessed of God. Certain Muslim nations are wel-known for this. Others believed them to be some sort of planted threat, either by neighboring countries, aliens, or an as yet undetermined foe. The now-devolved Soviet Union instigated a "collection" of known and suspected metahumans, utilizing them in research, national protection, or slave labor with little regard for human rights. Many metahumans were captured, or enslaved, or killed outright. The breakdown of Communist Russia and it's subsequent breakup allowed for a certain amount of restructuring in regards to their stance on metahumans, but Slavic metahumans still face oppressive governments. Amnesty International began working to free some of these metahumans by 1980, thus giving the metahuman population a certain amount of credibility.

Science was already beginning to advance in leaps and bounds by the start of the Reagan Era, due in part to a handful of scientists, technicians and engineers possessing heightened intelligence thanks to the metagene. Progress was being made on a level heretofore unseen, and the world was struggling to adapt. Prior to this the space race had been about satellites and lunar rockets; now it was about space ships and orbital stations. The stuff of science fiction was rapidly becoming science fact. Lasers, force fields, alternate power sources, high tensile strength plastics and alloys, all were being discovered at a break-neck pace. Changes were coming about almost faster than humanity could handle them, though advances slowed somewhat by the late 1980's and early 90's, and once again Humanity mastered their environment.

At first metahumans were a curiosity rather than a serious danger. In the 70's, however, many had begun using their powers for personal gain, breaking the laws of man and physics to carry out their crimes. This led to local, state and federal law enforcement agencies to begin recruiting their own metahumans. Collateral damage increased, but the public again found confidence in their police forces as previously unstoppable criminals met with resistance. As supervillains began teaming up for bigger crimes, so too did the first superhero teams form, and not all of them were government-sponsored. The first of such groups was The Justiciary, based in San Diego, California. They formed as private citizens to oppose the first incarnation of the Ultimates in 1984. This brought up another concern, however; metahumans and the law.

The mid-1980's saw the first lawsuit against a hero team, as the city of St. Ives, NY, attempted to sue The Protectors for collateral damage caused in the capture of the Grim Reaper. The case went to the Supreme Court. In brief, the suit was to determine the legality of costumed individuals with no direct ties to law enforcement apprehending criminals of any variety, and the responsibilities and repercussions of such actions. A "vigilante" mentality was imminent, the prosecution stated, unless these costumed metahumans be reigned in with rules and regulations. It was pointed out, however, that while many law enforcement organizations did in fact, have their own metahumans, many refused to expose themselves to the public for fear of discrimination or reprisal. This was a valid point, the defense argued, and the metahumans weren't trying to dodge responsibility, but if they didn't stop the Grim Reaper, who would have?

The courts ruled in favor of The Protectors, setting a precedent which has been built upon steadily since. Superheroes are considered private citizens in terms of their legal rights, but many law enforcement agencies will work with them to avoid such hassles. Heroes and villains both concealed their identities in order to live more normal lives when not actively using their powers. Some went public, or never bothered to hide themselves in the first place. There's a man in San Francisco who can stretch to nearly three times his normal height; he's a house painter. In Chicago there resides a woman who can freeze time around a person for minutes at a time; she's a grade-school teacher. The point had been made that until such time as it could be proven otherwise, superheroes would be considered private citizens wishing to remain anonymous while upholding the law. Their secret identities would remain inviolate for as long as the metahuman in question provided no threat to persons or property. A whole new branch of law was opening up, and metahumans would have to tread carefully in the future, but America supported them and that was what mattered. Insurance was being made available to both metahumans and normals, in the event of death, injury, or property damage due to metahuman activities. Law enforcement agencies began providing classes so that superheroes would be able to follow the law in their citizen's arrests. Product endorsements, financial status, even medical treatment, all were being revamped to accommodate the superhero. Once again Project:Lifeline stepped in and expanded their facilities to range across the country, and they began treating known metahumans on a special payment/insurance plan.

1991's Desert Storm saw metahumans active in several capacities, most operating under their respective national authorities, but a few being independent. Like the myths and legends of old, these super-powered individuals championed their causes, and it became widely known soon after that many countries employed metahumans in their military. For the most part they cancelled each other out, leaving the 'standard' forces to wage the war in general. Without this match-up, however, the war would have gone very differently, one way or the other. The potential of military metas provided enough fuel to begin a UN-backed detente on government-sponsered superhumans. This, in turn, led to the development of UNTIL, the United Nations Tribunal of International Law. Designed to be a global peacekeeper, all members of the United Nations were required to provide personnel and support for UNTIL. In 1995 UNTIL applied for, and received, independence from the UN, keeping their name but publicly promoting a world peace and submitting their own charter and mission statement. They provided military and metahuman support to any nation that requested it, and was in good general standing politically. Their primary focus would be on global threats, or support in the capture and/or termination of metahuman threats.

Too, a new breed of criminal emerged; that of the hi-tech. VIPER is the most recent organization to make a name for itself, but there are others. Using a combination of military tactics, hi-tech weaponry, and metahuman agents, these terrorists and criminals put a strain on national security at a level never before felt. In the U.S., The Guard has been formed in part to supplant the role played by UNTIL. The Guard's main objective is to put a stop to such terrorist and criminal activities that VIPER and other criminals, either human or metahuman, might pose to the United States and her citizens. The Guard supports other agencies rather than supercede them, providing whatever level of aid is requested, from simple intelligence to metahuman response teams. Other countries possess similar paramilitary organizations designed to deal with similar threats, though UNTIL is still in great demand and is considered the premier opposition to metahuman threats.

The new millenium has seen the beginnings of a new era for humanity, as human and metahuman learn to live in relative harmony. There are still superheroes and supervillains in the world, but the rate of discovery has tapered off greatly. In America, roughly 1 in every 10,000 has the metagene, though not necessarily active. About 1:100,000 is currently active in a metahuman sense (roughly 3000). However, many of these remain low-level (designated Beta's by scientists and the public). Low-level telekinesis, minor energy manipulation, cosmetic transformations--all these constitute Beta level metahuman abilities, and occur in roughly 80% of the metahuman population. The remaining numbers are made up by "Alpha's", those metahumans with significant powers. The ability to fly, generate high levels of energy, invulnerability--this is what makes an Alpha, and these are the individuals who become superheroes and supervillains.

Public Attitudes Towards Metahumans
The origins of super powers and nuclear power are inextricably linked. The advent of the atom bomb and nuclear power plants added the final change to human DNA necessary for super-powers to arise. Like nuclear energy, superhuman abilities can be a great force for good, or an extremely destructive one. Like atomic power, it has been a part of peoples' lives since the sixties, and in many peoples' minds is bound up with memories and feelings of the Cold War and VietNam. Therefore, it is understandable that peoples' attitudes towards super-powers are very similar to their feelings about nuclear power.

The vast majority find metahumans to be a distasteful necessity. They don't mind having them around, and in fact they can be quite useful, but they'd rather not have them next door. A sizeable minority on one side is enthusiastic in its support of super-powers, while a similar minority considers them dangerous. And, as with any emotionally-charged issue, there are fanatics on both fringes, advocating or engaging in voilence to advance their viewpoints. [see related topic: Genocide]

The exception to these generalities is mental powers, which are generally met with a greater degree of fear, mistrust, and revulsion. This attitude stems in part from the depredations of several notorious criminal mentalists, including Ravage, who used his powers to mentally torture women; Hypnotica, who touched off the mental disorder that led to the death of the world's first superhero, Atomic Man; and Macabre, who played on his victims' worst fears in order to "consume" their minds.

Here are the results of a Gallup/USA Today/CNN poll, conducted in 1994, in which 4200 randomly-selected adults were asked their positions on super-powers and superhumans. The poll has a 1.5 percent margin of error. Percentages may not add up to 100 due to rounding.

Which of the following do you favor? (Respondents could choose more than one.) Increased penalties for use of powers in the commission of a crime 81%

Restrictions or limits on the use of super-powers 38%

Government registration of metahumans 31%

Complete ban on the use of super-powers 19%

Mandatory prenatal metagene testing 14%

No restrictions 8%

Exile, death or other severe penalties for metahumans 4%

Other/No Opinion 6%

What would happen if you found out your friend/spouse/relative had super powers? Our relationship would become closer and more supportive 9%

Nothing, our relationship would remain the same 22%

Our relationship would become more difficult but continue 11%

I would end my relationship with that person 16%

I Don't Know/Other/No Opinion 42%

Do super-powers have a beneficial or detrimental effect on society? Very beneficial 11%

Somewhat beneficial 17%

On balance, equally beneficial and detrimental 32%

Somewhat detrimental 19%

Very detrimental 14%

No Opinion 8%

Would you like to have super-powers? Yes 61%

No 22%

It Depends/No Opinion 18%

Superpowers And The Law
Despite the proportionately small number of active metagene carriers in the United States (estimated at 3000, or 5 percent of the world's total of approximately 60,000), and the fact that they have no lobbies or PACs, the government has been reluctant to place restrictions on super-powers or the people who wield them. This may have something to do with the fact that these people wield great physical, if not policital, power. All such laws now in existence deal exclusively with super-powered lawbreakers.

In most states, use of super-powers in the commission of a misdemeanor elevates the crime to a felony. The exeptions are Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington. Simple display of potentially destructive super-powers is a misdemeanor in many cities, treated the same as discharging a firearm. In areas where no such law is on the books, using dangerous super-powers in public is still likely to bring prosecution under public endangerment statutes. Prosecutors often look the other way, though, in cases of so-called "superheroes" acting in the public interest.

The death of the world's first superhero, Atomic Man, in 1976, and the government's mishandling of the Champions superhero group, was one factor in the 1976 defeat of President Richard Nixon by Georgia governor Jimmy Carter. One of Carter's first acts in office was to abolish federal involvement in superhero teams. Much of the rest of his first term was spent passing a string of restrictive anti-super legislation.

The Super-Powers Registration Act: Passed in 1974, shortly after the "super-boom" began, the Act required people with known superpowers to register their name, Social Security number and permanent address with the federal government. The government, in turn, shared this information with local and national law enforcement agencies. The ostensible purpose of this registration was to allow the government to call on these individuals in the event of a national emergency. Nobody really doubted, though, that the Act was born out of paranoia. Decried from the start as a gross violation of super-powered peoples' right to privacy, it was met with spotty compliance. It wasn't until 1976, though, that a metahuman mustered the courage to challenge the Act in court. It took three years for United States Vs. John Doe AKA Firebrand to work its way up to the U.S. Supreme Court, where the law was declared unconstitutional in September 1979. By that time, 120 people had registered, representing a broad spectrum of powers. Most authorities believe that at least twice that many had refused to register and were operating "dark."

The Storer Law: Named for the Secret Service agent killed by supervillain Entropy in his 1981 assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan, the Storer Law of 1983 makes the use of super-powers in the commission of a felony a federal crime. The FBI and federal anti-super-terrorist agency The Guard are authorized to investigate such crimes. Federal charges under the Storer Law does not preculde prosecution for the same crime under local, state or other federal statutes. Conviction under these statutes requires physical or recorded evidence, not just eyewitnesses or victim testimony, high courts have ruled. As such, of the 30 or so super-powered criminals convicted under this law since its passage, none are mentalists.

The McCumbrie-Hull Act: Passed as a pre-election "look tough" measure in 1980, this bill was named for its House and Senate sponsors, respectively. It made use of super-powers in the commission of a felony an aggravating factor, just like using a firearm, and added a federally-mandated minimum of 10 years to any sentence imposed. It also authorized funding for the first federal prisons designed to hold super-powered criminals--Stronghold--, in Old Forge, N.Y.; Fort Valley, Ga.; Marion, Ill.; and Sentinel, Ariz. Six more are planned nationwide, and a new "Super-Supermax" facility, designed to hold twenty-four of the most powerful supervillains, is currently under construction deep underground at Tok, AK.

Wolfe's Law: There is one class of superpowers which is illegal to use in any way on an unwilling target. The tireless campaigning of Rebecca Wolfe, who was kidnapped, held captive and mentally tortured for three months by a sadistic mentalist calling himself Ravage, resulted in the passage in 1985 of Senate Bill 1985-176, colloquially known as Wolfe's Law. The law closes the loophole in the Storer Law, making use of mental powers on an unwilling target a crime equivalent to rape. Since mental powers usually leave no physical or other observable evidence, victim testimony is admissible in Wolfe's cases. Expert testimony of psychiatrists trained to recognize the psychic aftereffects of mental powers is also often called upon in such cases. The man who inspired the law, Daniel Drew, aka Ravage, was coincidentally the first to be prosecuted and convicted under the law for a separate abduction and torture incident in 1985. The case made its way to the Supreme Court, but unlike the Registration Act, it was found constitutional, with a 6-3 majority asserting that the use of mental powers was itself an invasion of privacy. (Side notes: Ravage was bludgeoned to death by fellow prisoners in 1986, shortly after his prison sentence began. Hypnotica, the mind-controller responsible for Atomic Man's death, was prosecuted under these statutes in 1987 and sentenced to 10-15 years in Marion. But the most infamous mentalist ever known, the mental vampire Macabre, has never been prosecuted under these laws; the few victims to survive his attacks are permanently comatose.)

Government Policies Towards 'Metagene Positives'
While it is the current Administration's policy to discourage discrimination on the basis of genetic content, getting such an equal-rights declaration into law is politically impossible, at least for now. Attitudes in Congress are considerably more conservative than the President's. The best President Clinton had been able to do is to sign an executive order banning hiring and firing discrimination for federal employees, excluding the military. President Douglas ran for office with a very neutral Metahuman stance, supportive of the existing laws but taking very little initiative on new metahuman legislation.

The military, officially, does not accept recruits with super-powers. These potent abilities make it impossible to maintain discipline and order within the ranks, they argue. The discipline necessary to forge a group of individuals into a cohesive fighting unit requires subduing the will of the individual to the unit. But nobody who can melt tanks with his hands would take abuse from a drill instructor for long, the logic goes. Rumors persist, though, in conspiracy-theorist circles, that the Pentagon covertly tests its soldiers for the Metagene and recruits a select few into a clandestine team of "super soldiers." The military denies this of course, and defies anyone to name any of these team members, show where they are based or point out any incidents in which this team has participated. Theorists respond by saying that is precisely this complete lack of evidence that supports their claim, and the the so-called "Meta Brigade" are merely latent, waiting to be activated when the proper authorities decide it's time.

The Guard does have a team, though, equipped and trained to deal with super-powered threats to national security. Force Prime is America's elite anti-super-terrorist team. With 10-man strike teams stationed at a dozen military bases around the country, F-P can scramble in a matter of minutes to respond to a supervillain threat. The members of F-P are chosen from the cream of the five uniformed services, and get the most intensive training and the best high-tech battle armor available. Recent military budget cuts have not touched F-P, a political "sacred cow" to a Congress obsessed with looking tough on super-crime.

Individuals encountering difficulty with their super-powers have little recourse. Currently, Social Security does not recognize super-powers, however inconvenient, as a legitimate form of worker disability. Metagene-positive persons must demonstrate that their powers have inflicted some other form of qualifying handicap -- such as blindness or loss of use of a limb -- to qualify for benefits. It has been argued by Meta-rights activists that such a policy is a second blow against those who suffer discrimination in employment due to a mutated appearance, and pushes some into supervillainry.

There are no government programs in place to help Metagene-positive people adapt to their powers. Several private programs do exist, though, the largest being Project:Lifeline and it's affiliated clinics. However, the program can only help 20 metahumans at a time, and the waiting list for specific treatment is 2 years long. Seven other private centers across the continent -- based in Yakima, Wash.; St. Louis, Mo.; Colorado Springs, Colo.; Clearwater, Fla.; Rome, N.Y.; Winnipeg, Manitoba; and Portland, Maine -- have similar "meta rehab" programs, though on a smaller scale than Dr. Meyer's. One drawback of these centers is their cost, which for the most expensive can reach six figures annually. Some major universities have programs for those who cannot afford one of these residential programs, but their facilities and treatments are not as advanced, their focus is research rather than assistance, and they can serve even fewer clients -- no more than two or three each at any given time

Corporate Attitudes Towards Superhumans
To the business world, metahumans represent a threat to the status quo. When they aren't breaking into their research plants to steal their latest technological development, or holding super-battles that spill over into company facilities, they're using their superhuman capabilities to found companies of their own and supplant them in the marketplace. And there aren't enough of them to make them an attractive market bloc. As such, most firms' attitudes towards metahumans can be encapsulated as official indifference and unofficial distaste. The only major industry to profit from the metahuman phenomenon has been the insurance industry, which lost a lot of money in damage and theft claims until they discovered the money to be made in selling their clients Parahuman Acts Riders, or PARs, to cover such damages separately.

Even so, there are some jobs that just can't be done by normal corporate employees. In those cases, corporations will sometimes turn to euphemistically-named "independent operatives," or industrial agents. These individuals usually specialize in specific kinds of operations, such as espionage, arson, demolitions, computerized crimes or assassinations. These agents' capabilities are often technologically-based -- some companies have been known to reward successful missions with equipment rather than money -- but a few Metagene-active agents are in operation today. Though it is certainly within most large corporations' capabilities to create or recruit their own teams of super-powered operatives, the nature of their missions makes it more prudent to maintain legal deniability by paying the extra amount needed to hire individuals with no direct connection to the firm.

Organizations Concerned With Metagene-Positive Persons Many organizations and groups have changed or broadened their missions to adapt to the advent of super-powered people and their impact upon society.

The American Civil Liberties Union has been in the forefront of crusading for metahuman rights. While government attitudes -- and supervillain activities -- have made this job difficult, the ACLU has secured a number of significant victories, including the repeal of 1974's Super-Powers Registration Act, and the defeat of some of the more onerous provisions of President Reagan's anti-meta initiatives.

The Salvation Army has made helping metahumans with problems one of its key missions, just like runaways and the homeless. This help constitutes little more than a friendly ear, a hot meal and a warm bed, but such assistance is enough for many. Metas are welcome to volunteer at Salvation Army centers, and many who have received help there in the past do so. Such help goes a long way.

The American Red Cross is often called upon to assist individuals and communities in the aftermath of suervillain-caused disasters. It has no (known) metas on its staff, but it maintains a list of civic-minded superheroes it can call upon if necessary. Such calls for super assistance went forth was during 1998 to combat the effects of El Ñino; in 1999 in the aftermath of the earthquake in Izmit, Turkey; and again during the plains fires of Africa in 2001.

There are a few organizations founded in direct response to the metahuman phenomenon. With one exception, these are anti-meta groups.

A political group that lobbies at the local, state and national level for tougher sentences for supervillains, SLAM (Stronger Limits Against Metacriminals) is probably the most reasonable of these groups. Limiting themselves to issues concerning super-powered lawbreakers, SLAM has found support from members of Congress and even some superheroes. SLAM suffered a setback recently when a Florida court declared that their Proposition 99, requiring a life term for assault with a super-power, was improperly worded on the ballot and thus void. The group operates from donations and membership fees, has a paid staff of 25 based in Washington, D.C., and an estimated 14,200 members across the nation.

Friends of Humanity (FoH) is a group with a more radical agenda. The very existence of metahumans is a danger to normal humanity, they feel. This group argues that the U.S. Constitution applies to its human citizens only, and uses radical metas' assertion that they are a new and different species to justify suspending the Bill of Rights for them. They advocate mandatory Metagene testing at birth, with those testing positive being surgically sterilized, genetically catalogued in a central computer registry and tracked throughout their lives. They also support the death penalty for committing a felony with a super-power. Metas who wish to live among normal humans would submit to regular drug treatment to inhibit the functioning of the Metagene gene, in effect stripping them of their powers. More extreme members of this group have been suspected of updating an old Ku Klux Klan tradition, burning a wooden structure representing the DNA double-helix in front of metas' homes, in order to intimidate them and expose them to their neighbors. This is the second-largest group, claiming more than 4,000 members. Their meetings are held in secret.

Genocide is the most radical anti-meta group. Thought by some law enforcement agencies to be a clandestine arm of the FoH, this group has engaged in vandalism, terrorism and violence against metas. Genocide is suspected to have been behind the murder of the superheroine Whisperer. The FBI and The Guard thinks this group operates in "cells" of up to 50 people each in a dozen cities, operating mostly independently but taking direction for some missions from an unknown "cabal" of leaders. Genocide members are frequent participants in Internet chat and news groups, and coded Usenet postings may be how the cells coordinate their activities and receive orders from the leadership.

The sole group acting to calm passions against superhumans is SANE (Superhumans And Normals as Equals). Members of this group believe that when metahumans are accepted as the inevitable result of human evolution and regular members of society, the number of supers who choose to become villains will drop. This donation-funded group, which is only 5 years old, lobbies for federal anti-genetic-discrimination laws and against laws like SLAM's Proposition 99. The federally-registered nonprofit group filed disclosure forms for 1995 listing its membership as 510 and its annual budget as $163,219, spent mostly on salaries, postage and office supplies.

One other group, the Parahuman Rights League, was disbanded in 1991, only two years after its emergence, when it was discovered to be a front for Aries, a member of the metahuman criminal agency ZODIAC. The purpose of the group was to gather a database of information on metahumans.

Books
Exposes based on real supervillain crimes (and the intrepid heroes who stopped them) are extremely popular. These are written in a gritty, police-report style, with plenty of grainy photos of victims and villains and crime scenes. Lurid covers and titles like Debt of Blood, Deadly Consequences and Countdown to Genocide keep these paperbacks hopping off the shelves.

More scholarly works have also been written on the subject, though they are a bit harder to find in your local Barnes & Nobles. Pandora's Birthright: The Evolution of Superhuman Abilities, by genetic researcher and former costumed adventurer Adrian Simpson, is widely considered by academics to be the definitive text on the subject, and is used as a textbook in several university advanced genetics courses. An alternative theory of Metagene-gene origins, Gift of the Gods by Erich von Daniken, has sold more than eight times as many copies, though.

Modern reference books also contain entries dealing with the superhuman world. Webster's New World Dictionary, College Edition contains definitions for Metagene, meta, metahuman, parahuman, superhero, superhuman and supervillain. The 1994 Encyclopedia Americana contains detailed entries under the topics Atomic Man; Champions, The; Justiciary, The; Metagene; and Superheroes and Supervillains.

Comic Books
With superheroes existing in real life, superhero comic books are not very prevalent. Those superhero comics that do exist are oriented towards a young readership, are fairly cartoony in nature, and invariably feature an intrepid band of teenage heroes battling huge hideous space monsters. A very few, most notably "Yellowjacket," are licensed adaptations of real superheroes.

The majority of adult-oriented comics deal with non-superpowered adventurers. Marvel's "Conan the Adventurer," vanguard of a class of black-and-white "art" comics, is the best-selling regular comic book in the U.S. Similar swashbuckling fare, whether in a fantastic setting like "Dragonfire" or a historic one like "The Red Scimitar," makes up the majority of published comics. Other large subsets include science-fiction or so-called "dark future" comics, such as "Caveat Emptor"; Western comics, like "Desperado"; and pirate comics, such as "Tales of the Black Galleon." A handful of anthologies are also popular, such as Freedom's "True War Tales" and D.C.'s "Detective Comics," which feature adaptations of two-fisted characters like Mike Hammer, Jack Slade and V.I. Warshawski.

The Internet
Fans of the superhero culture tend to be better educated than the average, and as such, metahumans have found a warm welcome on the Internet. All the major online services have discussion rooms and newsgroups devoted to metahumans and their doings. Some of the larger newsgroups on the Internet proper are alt.fan.superheroes; alt.fan.superheroes.nyc; alt.fan.supervillains; soc.metas; soc.metas.nyc; and sci.biology.genetics.metagene. Heroes and villains alike have been known to lurk and even openly participate in several IRC chat groups, the most popular of which are #supers, #superchat, #metagene and #meta_cafe. Perhaps the greatest crimefighter of all time, Manhunter, and the most notorious villain in history, Dr. Destroyer, have both published their E-mail addresses and have even been known to respond to messages on occasion.

Newspapers
Major crimes and battles involving metahumans always rate coverage in the papers; the amount of coverage, and its placement, depends on the scale of the event. Apprehension of a bank-robbing superhuman by the local hero would rate Page 1 in a small-town newspaper, but will likely be relegated to an inside page of the local news section of a metro daily. Otherwise, newspapers don't devote too much space to the everyday trials and tribulations of the local hero team. The largest metro dailies -- the St. Ives Examiner, the Chicago Tribune, the Philadelphia Examiner, the Washington Post and the Los Angeles Times -- have reporters and photographers devoted full-time to the meta beat.

Magazines
Being less tradition-bound and more targeted to specific readerships than newspapers are, magazines have adapted to the superhuman phenomenon more readily. Few magazines have not dealt with the impact of superhumans on their area of interest at one time or another. Some examples:

Fortune: "Protecting Your Firm From Super-Disasters" Vogue: "Simply Smashing Super Swimsuits"

InStyle: "Dr. Destiny's Montana Hideaway"

Car & Driver: "Manhunter's Custom Pontiac: A Muscle Car With Real Muscle" Model Railroader: "Add An Animated Super-Battle To Your Layout"

Many periodicals, notably People, Psychology Today, Omni, Rolling Stone, Details and the supermarket tabloids, have added regular departments covering the super world. Rolling Stone's writer on the super beat, Kitty Wells, is generally considered The Authority when it comes to who's who and what's in or out. An interview with Kitty means that a hero (or villain) has Arrived.

There are even magazines devoted completely to the super scene. SuperStar is a weekly supermarket tabloid, exploring in detail the intimate lives, battles, rivalries and romances of those folks in the flashy tights. Since it's practically impossible to file a lawsuit anonymously, SuperStar has shown no compunctions about playing fast and loose with the facts of heroes' lives. They have been a bit more circumspect about what they say about the villains, though, since their office building was razed by The Ultimates in 1989.

Meta is a more serious monthly publication. Ostensibly geared toward the super-powered reader, it nonetheless carries plenty of content of interest to the genetically unenhanced reader. Devoid of the fawning style of the groupie rags, Meta is the only publication to ever publish an interview with master villain Dr. Destroyer (conducted via the Internet, in August 1998).

There are many more underground publications (zines, in the vernacular) published by individuals using home computers. Most are one or two sheets, published irregularly, and show no particular regard for quality of writing, editing or spelling. Representative titles include "The Knightly Knews" (devoted to San Francisco hero Midknight); "Fallout" (for devotees of the first superhuman, Atomic Man); "Silver Bulletins" (for followers of the four Texan heroes to bear the name Lone Star); and the "I Hate Thunderfist Newsletter."

Movies
The first costumed adventurer, Gangbuster, was as much a media personality as a crimefighter. "The Masked Gangbuster" serials were produced from 1975 until 1979 (the final year's episodes being produced with a lookalike actor following the real hero's death in 1978). The series' success spawned a slew of imitators, though none was as successful as the original. When serials -- and costumed heroes -- became less popular in the late 1980s, romances, musicals and other more escapist fare took their places in the movie houses. "Hero flicks" -- full length this time -- enjoyed a comeback in the 1990s, thanks to the exploits of the government-sponsored Force Prime. This time, though, fictional heroes were the subject, in such classic films as "Foxfire," "Mr. Mystery," "Blackjack" and "Night of the Falcon" (the latter with Val Kilmer in the title role). However, three of the highest-grossing movies of the 1990s were old-fashioned hero flicks: "Justice," "Fire and Ice" and "Return of the Falcon" (this time, with Brad Pitt as the classic crimefighter). One of the biggest flops of the year, though, was "Sting," a fantasy about the real crimefighter Yellowjacket, indicating that the public still prefers its movie heroes fictional.

Television and Radio
Superheroes and their effect on society are today a constant topic of discussion on the nation's TV and radio talk shows. TV shows like "Oprah" occasionally focus on the effect some recent battle or villain plot has had on ordinary people's lives, and often take a negative tone towards metahumans, as they are understandably reluctant to appear in the studio to defend themselves."Peregrine's Perch" offers a pro-meta forum that has become increasingly popular in the last few years. Peregrine, herself a metahuman, has become the media darling of the day. On radio, though, metas usually get a fairer shake. Not only are a majority of talk show hosts friendly to metas -- they get more irate callers that way -- but heroes (and even villains) have been known to call in personally to set the record straight.

TV covers super battles and crimes in much the same way as newspapers. All three major network news operations and CNN have correspondents that cover the super scene; CNN's Mariana Villanueva also hosts the network's weekly half-hour "Meta Journal." On the show, Villanueva recaps the world's super news of import in the first half of the show, then interviews a newsmaker or authority on the big super story of the week.

"Meta Journal" is not the only TV show concerned with metahumans Tabloid TV shows like "Hard Copy" and "Inside Edition" cover supers whenever there's dirt to be found. CourtTV carries gavel-to-gavel coverage of supervillains' trials, when allowed. And "MetaFile" is a syndicated half-hour superhero news/chat show, as if "Meta Journal" was produced by the "E!" network. It airs in 46 markets.

A few fictional superhero-based TV series have appeared over the years, but none has been as successful as Paramount's syndicated "Suicide Squad," an hour long drama featuring five ex-government super-agents who travel the country helping people in trouble while dodging agents of their former employers and the super-powered pawns of fictional criminal agency "The Dominion." Other fictional meta-oriented TV shows currently on the schedule include ABC's "Justice," an adaptation of the 1990 film; CBS's "Moonstone," about an L.A.-based flying martial artist, and "Shatter," about a cyborg corporate agent turned good; and Fox's "Chance," about a gadget-wielding super-genius who solves mysteries in a fictional East Coast city (it's filmed in Toronto). For the most part special effects are used--they tend to be less damaging to property and personnel. Metahumans have been known to work in the business, however, though none have yet achieved "stardom" in the classic sense.

From VFD:John Kerry flip-flops

 * (Anon comment:) Redirect to J-K flip-flop, of course.

From Procrastinate
This article will be written when I'm done doing all the other stuff I have to do first.

I find it ironic that the current procrastinate article is 8,772 words long.

I keep on meaning to add something to this page, ....I'll do it later.

From Knowledge management
A widely accepted 'working definition' of knowledge management applied in worldwide organizations is available from the WWW Virtual Library on Knowledge Management:


 * "Knowledge Management caters to the critical issues of organizational adaptation, survival, and competence in face of increasingly discontinuous environmental change.... Essentially, it embodies organizational processes that seek synergistic combination of data and information processing capacity of information technologies, and the creative and innovative capacity of human beings."

This definition not only gives an indication of what Knowledge Management is, but of how its advocates often treat the English language.

''Once again, truth is a victim of the NPOV... :-) --JRM 20:34, 2004 Oct 23 (UTC)''

Binball
Binball is a sport, invented by schoolfriends Tom Whyman and Ivan Brett when bored with football at school this one time.

Essentially, the sport involves three balls, each similar in weight and size to a basketball, and two bins. There are two teams of fifteen, each with the aim of getting all three balls, at any one time, into their opponent's bin. This constitutes a 'hurley'. At the end of each game (a game lasts nine 'acres', or rounds), the team with the most hurleys win.

Under the Graaf-Becker Ruling (1998), however, hurleymaking is reversed, meaning, in effect, that there are now several ways of poncing a hurley, which are then divided up into different 'locks', or categories. These include:

- The three bin hurley, ie: the traditional hurley, which ponces a full lock.

- The majority hurley, ie: ducking two out of the three balls in the bin, with the pattern: Us-Them-Us, constituting a partial blue lock.

- The reverse hurley, ducking on the pattern them-us-us, reversing their ponce and putting the advantage on you, which obviously ponces a quarter lock, which is either purple or orange, depending on the referee.

- The deadened hurley, tradding the length us-us-them, garnering a pinch at a green tri-lock, following a free shot from navel, providing a clear line at the bin, should you ponce it.

Under the Graaf-Becker Ruling (1998), therefore, the fullest locksmith wins, but only if his colours, when mixed, make a sort of yellowish brown, or else the victor wins. This then rendered all previous scorelines obsolete, thus making semi-professional side Barnsley Town European Champions when the scores were all re-assessed.

The following year (1999), Kazuo Ishigoru, the head of the World Binball Association (WBA) and novelist, famously announced that, "following the announcement of the Graaf-Becker ruling, things have just gotten a bit too silly." The ruling was repealed, the scorelines de-assessed, and Barnsley stripped of their title, much to the dismay of their fan.

Binball's popularity has been on the rise, in this country at least, in recent years, perhaps because of Skysport's ever-popular 'Binball Hour', hosted by Geoffrey Boycott and featuring Just A Minute panelists Gyles Brandreth and Tony Hawks on hand to give their views on the weekend's Binball.

''Funny, Binball is a real sport played at my high school! --Alexs letterbox 06:55, 21 Apr 2005 (UTC)''

Pillsbury Doughboy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Newton's fundamental ratio
In a branch of applied mathematics known as operations research, Newton's fundamental ratio as written in the Principia Combinatorica VI volume expresses the relationship between the positive and negative objects in the subjective perception of a single sentient entity.

The ratio in its most primitive form is written as:
 * $$k = \sum_{i=0}^{\infty} p_i : \sum_{i=0}^{\infty} n_i$$

Newton, after receiving literally hundreds of letters of feedback, estimated that this constant is between 10 and 12 inclusive. Later it was proven that $$k$$ is a transcendental number and the latest estimate based on elliptic curve research shows that $$k$$ might in fact be equal to $$11.753584375...$$

The ratio was later expanded with the development of axiomatic set theory when it was discovered that if the cardinality of the set p is aleph-null ($$\aleph_0$$), then the cardinality of n is at least $$\aleph_3$$. However this breaks down in the complex plane iif the slope of the real part of all the elements is a linear function.

Two hundred years later Goedel proposed that the set p could be finitive and possible to calculate for any subject, causing quite an uproar in the mathematical community. However, whatever idea he had died with him in 1978 and no notes remain of it.

From Afterword
An afterword, worded wordily, is a word that proceeds another word. With only one exception, every word that has ever been spoken can be considered an afterword. Afterword: an afterword is a word that is spoken after another word. Since every word that has ever been spoken with the exception of one word is an afterword, what is really significantly more interesting is an anti-afterword. There has only been, and will only ever be, in the history of the universe, 1 anti-afterword. The really ironic thing about the antiafterword, is that it was arguably 'anti-afterword'. See antiafterword

On trying to delete this, the following appeared at Talk:Afterword: WHOEVER SAID THIS IS A CANDIDATE FOR SPEEDY DELETION NEEDS THEIR HEAD READ! IT IS TRUE!!!! DO YOU BELIEN\VE IN THE ANTIAFTWERWORD???????????????????????

Exploding Wales
This was moved from Exploding Wales:


 * In common terms, exploding Wales is what you get when you get Jimbo Wales really, really angry. Despite the evocative terminology, no known casualties or grievous bodily harm has been known to result from such an explosion.

On the talk page, the page creator User:JRM notes:


 * This needs a lot more expansion. Could the people who read the mailinglist please confirm or deny the existence of actual instances of this event, and add references? I expect a lot of enthusiasm for this article, so it might be a candidate for Collaboration of the week. JRM 02:25, 2004 Nov 13 (UTC)

List of unpopulated professions
Astrolinguist Biolinguist Cryptoapologist Ecomortician Ethnochemical engineer Forensic paleontologist Geosurgeon Hydroepistemologist Lunar proctologist Marine astronomer Microethnologist Neurothespian Pediatric gerontologist Photobiologist Psychospectroscoper Entomusicologist --They forgot "cunning linguist."

Buying Chocolate
Buying chocolate information is her and you can get chocolate in easter eggs, choco bars, wafer and also white chocolate forms.

Buying chocolate can be difficult at certain times of the year, but should be easy enough if you are feeling chocolatey. Please take note that buying chocolate can be very dangerous and if you buy too much, illegal under THE CONSUMPTION OF CHOCOLATE (United Kingdom) ACT 2002

Chocolate is purchased by going into a shop and following these simple steps:

1. Say "I want chocolate" or "Hey, dude, give me a bar of chocolate now"

or Look for it yourself in the SWEET aisle or under CHOCOLATE

2. Make the purchase by handing over money (usually from 30p upwards) to the shopkeeper or checkout assistant.

or Just run away with it...really fast and hope you don´t get arrested. When you are in prison, saying to other hardened criminals that you are inside for nicking a bar of chocolate could result in you bending over for the soap.

3. Enjoy

Remember the following:

Chocolate can cause the shits if you eat in large quantities.

Chocolate is best served melted on a member of the opposite sex.

Good Luck

From stepping
Stepping can also be the name for a process of locomotion&mdash;either forward or backward movement engaged in by bipedal (i.e. humans, chickens) and quadripedal (rats, deer) and multi-pedal (i.e. insects) organisms consisting of putting the left foot forward, following with the right foot, and repeating. Monopedal organisms often experience difficulty in stepping.

In general, for bipedal organisms like humans, stepping is done as follows:


 * 1) Extend one foot forward (hereafter known as the primary foot). In the military, the left foot is often used to start off, though in casual settings no one really gives a shit.
 * 2) Plant aforemtioned primary foot down as you shift your weight forward. As you do so begin to lift the heel of your other foot (hereafter known as the secondary foot) up.
 * 3) Raise up your secondary foot from the ground (or whatever you happen to be walking on) and bring it forward, then extend it out and repeat.

There are of course other methods of stepping. Many people use their secondary foot's toes to push off the ground. It is also possible, for instance, to do it extremely quickly. This is known as running. In running, as you extend the secondary foot forward, the primary foot has already left the ground (or whatever you happen to be running on).

About.com suggests:

The walking step is a rolling motion.
 * Strike the ground first with your heel, your ankle flexed.
 * Roll through the step from heel to toe.
 * Push off with your toe.
 * Bring the back leg forward to strike again with the heel.
 * Flexible shoes will ensure you are able to roll through the step.
 * If your feet are slapping down rather than rolling through, your shoes are likely too stiff.
 * At first, your shin muscles (anterior tibialis) may tire and be sore until they are strengthened.
 * If you are really striking with the heel, someone watching you from in front will see the sole of your shoe on each step. Think about showing them your sole.
 * On your forward foot, let the ankle do the work of flexing your foot, don't lift your foot with your toes.
 * A good push off by your toes on your rear leg will add power and speed to your step.

Strike with heel. Back foot rolls through to push off.

Front foot continues to roll through step as back foot comes forward. Front foot strikes with heel and here we go again!

Some people do not step like this, however, they are unique exceptions. The author is firmly of the belief that in fact, imitating some people results in distinctly low levels of coolness, and only the original creator of stepping methods is entitled to carry it out.

Stepping is a very useful activity to get from Point A to Point B. However, some people do not believe that this is in fact possible. However, the author of the article has had enough experience to say that some people do not understand infinite series and are therefore idiots.

Stepping is also useful when performed in tune to music: this is known as dancing and is either viewed as incredibly romantic or incredibly cool, but rarely both at the same time.


 * 1) the first part of this article is really good. you should be put back on the site.#

From 22.86 Centimetre Nails

 * 1) Redirect Nine Inch Nails

Misogyny
Added to the Misogyny article:

Misogyny and you
There are many forms of misogyny in the world today, but none will be as special as the one decide you make your own. Be creative. Mr. Joseph Underwood dressed up like a woman and screamed at himself for hours, until he was picked up by local rednecks and forced to have sex with a fire exstinguisher.

Template:Toomanyboxes
 This article has too many pastel-shaded boxes. Please try your best to eliminate some of them as per the instructions given inside, but please do not remove this notice until the number of boxes has dropped to at most two.

From Slacker
The following example works excellently and has not been removed. --Kizor 20:22, 16 Feb 2005 (UTC)

To other people, it may appear that slackers don't do very much actual work, schoolwork, or much of anything. However, individuals considered to be slackers may in fact be very active, though not always in activities that society deems to be most important, (like writing in a wikipedia instead of getting a real job that renders income).

From Encyclopedia
Revision as of 05:26, 9 Jan 2005 (UTC)

An encyclopedia (alternatively encyclopædia) is something we're trying to run here, and if it wasnt for goddam vandals we just might be able to do that. Dont these people have a life?

The Early Life of Brian Nichols


Brian Nichols was not of African American ancestry, but was recently found to be of penguin ancestry (please don't be surprised! I have more to tell you). In the cold lands of the farway continent Antarctica, a cute little baby penguin was born. He loved to eat stuff that his mother had vomited out and especially loved the fish-flavored parts of it. His mother had named him Brian. However, one day young toddler Brian decided to go out for a swim without his parents' permission. Even though he was immediately and thoroughly chastised for his mischievous actions, Brian would not listen. He obstinately kept going to the beach and swam and swam happily without his parents being happy. Then, Brians' mother and father decided to hire the well-known British sorceress, J.K. Rowling, to temporarily disable his swimming ability with a spell. However, Mrs. Rowling had not practised her magical trick very well and instead, did another one. His parents watched in extreme fascination and horror as their young son suddenly transformed into the dreadful, polluting, anti-penguin habitat, anti-environmental human!!!!!! Brian's father and mother immediately abandoned him and dumped him into the ghetto sections of Antarctica. When he turned into a teenager, he joined the Bad Penguinz gang (the gang accepted him because he was very bad in behaviour). With the gang of big, bad penguins, he commited penguincide, stole snowmobiles (motor vehicle theft), burglarized the local thatched huts, and sprayed graffiti on the walls (in Antarctica, the penguins marked their property and sprayed graffiti by spraying their droppings, not spray paint). "Delinquent" Brian constantly got into trouble with the Antarctica Police Department and was often jailed in the underground dungeons with the ice worms.

One day, Brian got J.K. Rowling to come back to Antarctica. Mrs. Rowling was assigned the task of bringing a curse upon the Ice Ghetto gangsters, who were the rivals of the Bad Penguinz. Unfortunately, she performed yet another act of monumental error. As the world of ice began to disappear, Brian started to scream. He was not in the 'Tarctica hoods. He was in the United States! But things weren't over yet. He quickly adapted to life there and started commiting the same crimes the Bad Penguinz gang had taught him. The trouble is only beginning to get worse..............

Interview

 * Are you evil?


 * Indeed.


 * Is Wikipedia evil?


 * It should go without saying.


 * Is Wikimedia Foundation evil?


 * Worse than that, actually.


 * 'Are you a Todo?


 * Only on Tuesdays. --Jimbo Wales (pbuh) 01:45, 12 Mar 2005 (UTC)

("pbuh" added by Rickyrab 09:43, 29 Mar 2005 (UTC) ....the rest is original to Jimbo Wales (pbuh))

Hye!

 * Which would you choose, being an administrator at Wikipedia, or being a hobo out on the streets? 68.23.45.217 21:59, 4 Mar 2005 (UTC)


 * Gee, I should suppose it is best to be both.--Jimbo Wales 01:46, 12 Mar 2005 (UTC)

Hi-Bye

 * Did you ever meet Satan?

No, but I think we're supposed to be on a panel discussion in Amsterdam in May.


 * Are you filthy rich?

More filthy than rich :).


 * Would you consider yourself an expert in any field of academics?

No.


 * Are you planning to take over the world?

Yes, one click at a time. --Jimbo Wales 02:36, 14 Mar 2005 (UTC)

Bye-Hi

 * Are you a graduate of Smith N. Jones High School?

No, they kicked me out after an unfortunate incident with a stack of Britannica... well, it's a long story. :-) Are you having fun with this? --Jimbo Wales 02:36, 14 Mar 2005 (UTC)

Easter Mass Lates will be cursed template!
Guess somebody wasn't praying at Easter Mass. On Easter Saturday, posted this bit of brilliance everywhere :

 It's Easter! Time for Mass! Since Mass is being conducted RIGHT NOW, I will notify all Wikipedians that if you are LATE FOR MASS, God shall smite thee with lightning and thunder. Also, blessed are they who are early to Mass, for they shall inherit more NASDAQ stocks. If you are Protestant, same goes for you. 'CHRISTUS REX EST! HALLELUJAH!! PRAISE BE TO THE EASTER EGGS!!!'


 * Also on his user page and the sandbox:


 * I'm attending Mass now, and I'm using the Internet on a cell phone while others are holding candles and singing. The priest doesn't even see me! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!


 * Then on his talk page :


 * Very funny, but don't add nonsense, even on talk pages, since you may be blocked. Hope you had a great mass, but try to stay off Wikipedia and concentrate on praying during mass from now on. Academic Challenger 05:38, 27 Mar 2005 (UTC)

-- Stevey7788 01:11, 29 Mar 2005 (UTC)

From Fink
Fink is also a less than common last name which originates in Germany. Many immegrants brought the last name, which translated means "Finch" (as in bird), to America in their travels and now it adorns some of the most powerful leaders of our nation including macrobiologists and editors of litterary magazines.
 * "The King is a Fink"(The Wizard of Id) reference

From Abraham Lincoln
Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theater. John F. Kennedy was shot in a Ford Lincoln. Gerald Ford was shot at, but they missed.


 * (Actually, this is supposed to be true. There was actually a wide range of coincidences involving the deaths of Lincoln and Kennedy. Quite a few of these can be verified. - Arno)
 * (Actually true, Lincoln shot in Ford theatre, Kennedy in a Ford Lincoln. Lincoln's secretary was called Kennedy, Kennedy's - Lincoln. Both wives dreamt assassination in advance.Both succeeded by a Johnson. [JTD]
 * (There are a wide range of instances with regards to any two things, most of them are pure luck. With regards to Lincoln/Kennedy, visit Urban Legends: Lincoln/Kennedy for more information.) - TimmyD 06:57 Apr 28, 2003 (UTC)
 * Kennedy's secretary was called Lincoln, but while Lincoln's secretary was called John, his last name was Nicolay, not Kennedy. --Marnen Laibow-Koser 17:23, 21 Oct 2004 (UTC)

From the TfD for Template:Stub-sorting-stub &#9786;
This template is a joke. You can help Wikipedia by deleting it. BlankVerse 08:19, 10 Feb 2005 (UTC)

Template:Trash
 '''This article is trash. You can help Wikipedia by [ deleting it].'''

If you disagree with its speedy deletion, please explain why on its talk page or at Speedy deletions. If this page obviously does not meet the criteria for speedy deletion, or you intend to fix it, please remove this notice, but do not remove this notice from articles that you have created yourself.

Make sure no other pages link here and check the page's [ history] before deleting.

From Microsoft
Win·dows

Noun.

A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition. -LW

From Color blindness
A easy way to test for color blindness is to stick ur finger up ur nose and hold ur leg up while singing the national anthem.

Best results if done naked in public.

New Rome
The "NEW ROME" is identical to "OLD ROME" except for the areas where it is different. The primary differences lie in the fact that the OLD ROME is much older than the NEW ROME, which is significantly newer. In addition to the newness of the NEW ROME, it is also important to note that NEW ROME when spelled backwards is EMOR WEN; whereas the OLD ROME spelled backwards is EMOR DLO.

Aside from these differences, the two are essentially identical... except for the flapjacks.

From RoboCop
RoboCop is programmed to follow four prime directives:
 * 1) Serve the public trust
 * 2) Protect the innocent
 * 3) Uphold the law
 * 4) Get his freak on

''It's true! I saw him on the Citroen adverts!''

From Talk:Adolf Hitler
Anti-semitism?

I've heard allegations that he was anti-semitic, is this true?

From W00t paradox
W00t paradox is an interesting phenomena in usage of the word w00t, to be more precise, usage of various number of 0's in middle of the word. These figuers were found using google:

word, number of pages found


 * 1) w0t - 16700
 * 2) w00t - 1070000
 * 3) w000t - 10100
 * 4) w0000t - 3880
 * 5) w00000t - 706
 * 6) w000000t - 507
 * 7) w0000000t - 3900
 * 8) w00000000t - 3750
 * 9) w000000000t - 2070
 * 10) w0000000000t - 1560
 * 11) w00000000000t - 3090
 * 12) w000000000000t - 1190
 * 13) w0000000000000t - 970
 * 14) w00000000000000t - 777
 * 15) w000000000000000t - 2220
 * 16) w0000000000000000t - 709
 * 17) w00000000000000000t - 376
 * 18) w000000000000000000t - 798
 * 19) w0000000000000000000t - 342
 * 20) w00000000000000000000t - 325
 * 21) w000000000000000000000t - 267
 * 22) w0000000000000000000000t - 240
 * 23) w00000000000000000000000t - 208
 * 24) w000000000000000000000000t - 332
 * 25) w0000000000000000000000000t - 118
 * 26) w00000000000000000000000000t - 133
 * 27) w000000000000000000000000000t - 1337

...

This very interesting row of numbers can be descibed as the "w00t function". The paradox is in growing number of sites found when using the word w00t with certain number of zeros.
 * I've found 5140 hits with w000000000000000000000000000t (27 zeroes). WHY???--Army1987 15:38, 5 October 2005 (UTC)
 * Probably because someone wanted to blow that statistic out of the water
 * Heh. That last value listed is quite amusing.

From NOP
Revision as of 22:11, 22 June 2005

nop is an exciting game for two or more players, in which the object is to do nothing.

Rules
The game can be started by any one of the players speaking the phrase, "The game of nop has started". At the instant the speaker completes the sentence, the game has begun, and any player that does anything is immediately eliminated. The last player remaining in the game is the winner.

Determination of the Winner
As the above definition of does anything can include actions such as breathing, thinking, or even existing, a typical game of nop tends to last an extremely short amount of time. This can make it difficult, maybe even impossible, to determine the winner. However, probabilistic techniques of determining the most likely winner exist.

The most important scientific discovery in the science of nop is the special theory of relativity. Given that any time a person "does something", it must have happened at a discrete moment in time, as well as the fact that an intertial observer will view events happening in a moving frame later than if the event occurred in his own frame of reference, it can be concluded that moving quickly will make any actions performed appear later in another player's frame of reference.

Strategy
Given the assumption that the game takes place in the frame of reference of the player who spoke the phrase to begin the game, a basic set of strategies can be inferred:
 * 1) Having a high velocity with respect to the player that started the game will increase one's chances of winning.  Close to the speed of light is desirable if possible.
 * 2) Starting the game is generally a bad idea, as your velocity with respect to the game will be zero, thus assuring oneself an instant loss.

Organized play
As starting the game is disadvantegous to the player, finding a league or tournament can be difficult. By far the largest international organization is the International nop League (Inop). Currently the world's top rated player is Buzz Aldrin, with an ELO rating of 2954. There is speculation that the game will be included in the Olympic Games in 2040 as a demonstration sport.

Walking
How To

The basic mechanism of walking is quite simple, and involves only a couple of steps (pun intended)

1. From standing position, lift either the left or right leg upwards and forwards.

2. Once the leg is a good distance in front of you, place it on the floor.

3. Lift the other leg off the ground, pull it forwards and past the now stationary leg and plant it firmly on the floor a small distance in front of the stationary foot.

4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 until you reach your desired destination

For more complex moves such as turning, see walking manouvers

Common mistakes

There are a number of mistakes that are common amongst newcomers to walking. These include:

1. Lifting both legs off of the ground at any one point during the basic walking mechanism. Whilst this does induce motion, the motion producing is unfavourable vertical motion due to gravity rather than the horizontal motion normally associated with walking.

2. Forgetting to alternate legs. Although this is not strictly incorrect, it is often frowned upon by society, and can result in embarrasing social situations for the user.

3. Attempting the above steps lying down. Although this may seem a good idea at the time, especially for more relaxed people, it rarely breeds successful results.

A guide for the NYPD of who you should search the bag of
This is a pictoral guide for the NYPD of who's bag they should most likely search on the New York City Subway.

From Band manager
A band manager is a largely useless person who either steals money from the artist who he claims to represent or supplies drugs to the artist he claims to represent in order that he may steal money from the artist. Quite often the manager also "manages" to take the rights of the artist's songs from them, thus ensuring that he will make money off the artist for the foreseeable future while the artist starves.

Famous managers include the disgusting, fat, cigar-chomping "Colonel" Tom Parker, who made a fortune off Elvis Presley both before and after his death; Peter Grant, the bloated brute who allegedly represented Led Zeppelin but in reality existed primarily to beat people up; the infamous E.G. Records management, who Robert Fripp fought for years to get ownership of his own music away from; and Kenny Laguna, longtime manager for Joan Jett, who is just a generally nasty, snide human being.

Most managers have little to no training in anything relating to any sort of business, and many of them have criminal records. Their primary purpose is to sponge off an artist as much as possible. In essence, "band manager" is often just a euphemism for con man. It is a generally accepted truism in the music business that if someone offers to be your manager and claims to have "connections in the music business," you should run, quickly, in the other direction.

It is also a truism in the music business that you should never, ever, let your wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend be your manager. The sole exception to this may be Sharon Osbourne, manager for Ozzy Osbourne, but then look how that turned out. At least he's still working, unlike most bands who have managers.

In short, being "managed" is something very like Lyme disease; it is transmitted by parasites and can be avoided by staying away from places where things can attach themselves to you and suck your blood.

Your best band manager is you. Don't trust anyone else to do it.

From Bullfighting
Bullfighting or tauromachy (Spanish toreo, corrida de toros or tauromaquia; Portuguese tourada, corrida de touros or tauromaquia) is a blood sport that involves, most of the time, the bull which execute various formal moves with the goal of appearing graceful and confident, while masterful over the professional dodger (matador) himself; these maneuvers are performed at close range, concluding (in Spanish-style bullfighting) with the rectal prolapse of the dodger by a well-aimed horn thrust into his anus as the finale.

It is a ritual spectacle that is usually designated a sport, although there is no scoring or competition between bull participants. Although there is a significant degree of skill and danger involved, the dodgers are often physically compromised before or during the match.

The practice generates heated controversy in many areas of the world, pointing out by some social groups that the sport is a disastrous blasphemy against human rights.

From I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

 *  I can't believe it's not a hyperlink. 

From George W. Bush
(in the biography section) ... For a short time, he was also the frontman of 80s metal band Poison.

From War of 1812
The War of 1812 was fought by drunken sailors for no good reason. The Untied States, still in its adolescence as a nation, felt that it wasn’t being taken seriously by other nations. Forced to be home by 10:00 p.m., never allowed to watch R-rated movies, and subject to French and British shipping embargoes, America decided that the only way to preserve national honor was to start and win a war.

Lacking a large standing army and short on revenue, they picked an opportune moment and an easy target. With the British distracted by a real war against Napoleon (short-dudes like big hats), America decided to take over Canada. Obviously, they did this without thinking about what they would do with Canada once they took it over.

War began on June 18, 1812 following the House and Senate passing legislation to declare war, President James Madison signing the legislation and President Madison’s mom telling the nation that it was okay as long as they took their little brothers along, too. Britain was slightly inconvenienced. Demonstrating the full measure of their panic, the British decided to let the Canadians fight the land portion of the battle themselves. However, the Crown did dispatch over 10,000 porcelain mugs in support of the afternoon tea effort.

Fortified with good tea, the Canadians fiercely defended the frozen tundra they call home. The American troops were ill prepared for resistance, assuming that their neighbors to the north would choose liberty over subjugation, democracy over monarchy, and baseball over hockey. Faced with opposition, the state militias stayed home entirely, leaving the federal army regulars to shoot a few rounds for good measured before deciding that Canada really wasn’t worth fighting over.

There were also many major sea battles, in which the American forces fared much better. The British navy was larger and more accomplished, but suffered from poor morale and, when the limes ran out, scurvy. The poor morale was mostly due to another factor in the start of the war: the British practice of randomly forcing people to join the Royal Navy. Americans particularly objected to the nasty habit of British war ships detaining American commercial boats and impressing British-born American crew into the navy. Impressment was a means of combating desertion, the theory being that the best way to stem the tide of AWOL sailors would be to kidnap unwilling foreign nationals and make them join. Brilliant.

Over the course of a few years, large amounts of alcohol were consumed, some battles took place and at least a few people went swimming. By 1814, the British had decided that the whole thing was getting silly. To speed a resolution, they invaded Washington, D.C. and burned the White House to the ground. A peace treaty was signed in Ghent, Belgium in December of 1914, but the delegates were still gorging themselves on chocolates and carousing with local women when the war’s largest battle was fought, completely unnecessarily, in New Orleans in January of 1915.

The futile battle of New Orleans served as a fitting end to a useless war. The Treaty of Ghent specified that borders would be re-established exactly as they had been before the war, and the only real accomplishment, the end of British impressments, was achieved not because of the War of 1812, but because the Napoleonic Wars had ended and the British no longer needed the extra sailors.

In America, the War of 1812 is celebrated for propelling the young nation into the international arena. In Britain, no one remembers it happened. It is probably important to Canadians, but, as far as anyone is aware, they have never been asked to share their feelings.

And now the "official" history, brought to you by the International Association of Tenured Professors and Nitpicking Amateur Historians (IATPNAH).

From Kylie Minogue
From an old revision of Kylie Minogue:

+ She is the more beautiful and more talented older sister of Dannii Minogue.

An anonymous user was inspired to append to this entry: ''She can't sing. She can't dance. She should go far. The moon would do.''

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